3. Seriously, the receivers!
We're not sure if it's because it's pre-season and the coaching staff is waiting to unleash the real offensive gameplan, but they need to knock if off with this curl routes and then dive for the football near the sidelines horsefuck. This team has had many opportunities to take receivers in past drafts, like Hakeem Nicks, who went on to help the Giants win the Super Bowl last year, and Dez Bryant, whose mother is an aforementioned whore. So now, we're left with Roberto Wallace and Marlon Moore and a bunch of other assholes who can't run routes, catch, or get open. But, hey, Chris Hogan is totally gonna be the next franchise folk hero! *heavy metal fingers, bro!*
4. Defensive holes
A lot of it has to do with injuries, but the Dolphins defense has so far looked spectacularly not good. The front seven can't stop running backs and the secondary is getting skull banged with just about every long pass by opposing quarterbacks. Sean Smith has been solid, and Richard Marshall is making a strong case to start. But the defense, as a whole, has been atrocious. Karlos Dansby needs to hit up Marshalls and buy himself a pair of brand new chancletas because the defense needs his help. Also, is Cameron Wake dead? Someone should really check on this.
5. Ryan's Team
In spite of having the shittiest offensive line imaginable, and a receiving corps that would be on every other team's practice squad, Ryan Tannehill needs to show us his balls tonight. It's your team, kid. Kick ass, yell at assholes who run the wrong routes or miss catches, and for shitsake keep moving around in the pocket so that a linebacker does dislodge your spleen.
You can watch tonight's game on CBS-4 (Channel 34 West Palm Beach). Kickoff is at 7:30 p.m.