Everything You Need to Know About Dolphins' Must-Lose Game Against Dallas Cowboys

The Miami Dolphins continue their #TankForTua mission this Sunday against the Dallas Cowboys.
The Miami Dolphins continue their #TankForTua mission this Sunday against the Dallas Cowboys. Photo by Michael Panse / Flickr
The Miami Dolphins are obviously plotting to #TankForTua (University of Alabama quarterback Tua Tagovailoa) this season. We know it; they know it; the rest of the NFL knows it. Tagovailoa also knows it. Weekly in this space, New Times documents the most recent tanking attempt and looks at how the Dolphins can lose this week. It's fun — way more fun than watching the Dolphins win. Please do not ask us if we are sad, because we are not.

Honestly, we thought we would have stopped doing this by now. Tracking the Dolphins' mission to #TankForTua seemed like a good idea when the season began, but we figured by now there would be more pressing matters to deal with and newsier news to discuss.

Nope! We're two games into the season, and the Dolphins have lost 59-10 and once been outscored by the Marlins, who scored one run Sunday.

So, yeah, #TankForTua watch is here to stay until the Dolphins say otherwise. Savor the flavor as we check in on the home team and wait for its next opponents, the Dallas Cowboys, to crown themselves the Dolphins' daddies.

How badly does Las Vegas predict the Cowboys will beat the Dolphins?

If the score was, say, 31-10, the Dolphins would cover the spread. This is to say if you put your money on the Dolphins to only watch them get their ass kicked in normal fashion, you'd come out a winner.

The Cowboys being 21.5-point favorites is a lot, but it's somehow not even the biggest spread of the week — the New England Patriots are favored over the New York Jets by 22.5 points. That might seem like a lot, but because the Patriots just beat the Dolphins by 43, Vegas is basically saying the Jets suck only half as much as the Dolphins.
Who will have their torch extinguished on this week's episode of Survivor: Miami Dolphins?

After Week 1, it was Laremy Tunsil and Kenny Stills who were sent away to Houston for a package of picks. After Week 2, it was Minkah Fitzpatrick who was traded to the Pittsburgh Steelers. This week, if you're taking bets, the next man to go could be Xavien Howard, who, according to his Twitter account, is feeling like the last man standing.

Should the Dolphins trade their best player? Nope. Would they trade their best player? Yes. This is an estate sale. The soap in the bathroom is for sale. Everything has a price tag on it.

It's unlikely Howard will go anywhere anytime soon, but it's quite possible that in a few weeks, he'll be over being in Miami, just as Fitzpatrick grew to be over it. And the idea won't be so crazy then.

How can the Dolphins clinch this must-lose game against the Cowboys?

The Dolphins have already indicated Josh Rosen will be the starter this Sunday. Of course, it doesn't matter whom the Dolphins start Sunday, because Josh Rosen, too, stinks. Probably. Who can even tell at this point? The Dolphins have your dad playing left guard and your neighbor Trey long-snapping. Rosen will probably spend the entire game running for his life while Fitzpatrick picks sunflower seeds out of his beard on the sidelines.

Dallas will run it right up the Dolphins' asses unless the Cowboys decide to throw it over Miami. It's up to them. Regardless of how it happens, it's gonna happen.

Official prediction?

Cowboys 37, Dolphins 10. We're feeling nice. 
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Ryan Yousefi is a freelance writer for Miami New Times, a lover of sports, and an expert consumer of craft beer and pho. Hanley Ramirez once stole a baseball from him and to this day still owes him $10.
Contact: Ryan Yousefi