Miami Heat Decides It's Had Enough of the Bulls, Proceeds to Destroy Them

The Chicago Bulls, fresh off having their their asses blown off in Friday's game three, decided to go the ole "HEAD GAMES" route before last night's game four.

The Bulls turned the tables on the narrative of this series -- that they can't score, so therefore they need to nail option B, which is to push Heat players around -- and began talking about how the referees are in cahoots with Miami, that LeBron James is a flopping flopper from the Planet Floptonia, and that the Miami Heat is just getting unfair treatment.

They chose poorly.

The result: an 88-65 ball clubbing and a 3-1 series lead for the Heat.

1. Seriously? 65 Points for the Bulls? LOLOLOLOLOL

Remember how after game one, everybody was all, "OH. MAY. GAW. DAH BULLS ARE SO SCRAPPY LOOK AT EM THEY'RE AMAZING I WANT TO TOUCH!!"

The media, Bulls fans, and Heat Haterz everywhere were in love with Nate Robinson because he's tiny, scored a lot of points, and pumped up the crowd with Muppet-like gyrations after the Bulls went up 4-0 at the beginning of game two.

Robinson went 0-for-12 last night. That means he was effective as you were while you watched the game from your couch shoving nachos into your facehole.

0-for-12. CLEARLY the refs' fault!

After all the huffing and puffing from the big bad Bulls, their coach's diatribe about bad calls, and Joakim Noah's screaming, the Bulls came out and took a giant Tom Thibodeau-sized crap on the arena floor and were historically bad.

Here is the Chicago box score:

2. LeBron James Is a Mushroom-Cloud-Laying Muthafucka, Muthafucka

It's clear now what LeBron's plan has been with the Bulls along. We've been waiting for him to go Superfly TNT, Guns of the Navarone on the Bulls. AND HE HAS.

Only thing is, he's done it slow and methodical. Like a soft death.

While we're used to seeing LeBron rain down his fiery destruction on teams with a hail of throw-down dunks and furious fast breaks, he's simply been biding his team, waiting in the reeds, watching, before pouncing on Chicago and devouring them.

He's turned the ball over more than we'd like to see, and his jumper has been sketchy at times. But he still managed to cleave Chicago in the face while quietly finishing off with 27 points, seven rebounds, and eight assists.

Also, this:

"FLOP THAT, DICKFACE!" -- LeBron James to Tom Thibodeau, probably

3. Something's Not Quite Right With Dwyane Wade, You Guys

OK, so it's time to admit it. D-Wade is not himself. He's shown flashes of MV3 here and there, but for the most part, he's been atrocious in this series. It's clear that his knee is not working. He hasn't been to the free throw line since the Carter Administration, and he has no explosiveness to his first step. To make matters worse, he reaggravated his bone-bruised knee last night and basically just wobbled up and down the court and waited for LeBron to find him directly under the basket with one of his surgical passes.

With the Heat up 3-1 and the series headed back to Miami, Spo needs to just sit Wade and have him rest up. We're gonna need him down the stretch. He's been pure unadulterated ass in this series. And that just won't do.

Stupid knee.

4. Holy Shit Chris Bosh Has Been Tearing Open Asses and Impregnating All the Women*

(*well not all the women, just his wife.)

After his putrid game-one performance, Chris Bosh got the usual gaggle of accusations thrown his way. He's "soft." He's "useless." "Joakim is better."

And then he proceeded to retort with what has been the best stretch of basketball we've seen from Bosh in quite some time.

Bosh came out and said he was tired of hearing all the talk about how Joakim was better than him. And why? Because Joakim plays like a spaz, that's confused with "energy"? Noah's biggest claim to fame so far is that he jumps around a lot and screams like an imbecile. Bosh is a basketball player. He can shoot, he can defend, and he can rebound.

Game one happened, and that was bad. But since then, Bosh has simply walked into Joakim's ass and made himself at home. He's put his feet up, left Snickers-bar wrappers on the floor, raided the fridge, and spray-painted "CHRIS WAS HERE!" inside. And when he left, he didn't even bother to close the door.

5. The Bulls Have Been Read Ezekiel 25:17

Game five is in Miami on Wednesday.

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