Miami Heat Takes Down Bulls, Wins Ninth Straight

The Miami Heat is currently riding a nine-game winning streak through a subtle yet delicate and refined mixture of sound fundamental basketball and relentlessly and mercilessly smashing opponents in the face.

The latest victim of the maelstrom of ass-bludgeoning was the Chicago Bulls.

Battling through a sloppy first half, a lack of scoring, and classy Bulls fans roaring with delight when LeBron James got up limping from a foul, the Heat managed to buckle down and run away with the victory while simultaneously ripping everyone in Chicago a brand-new asshole, like it was Asshole Christmas.

LeBron wasn't his usual world-devouring self, scoring 26 points off 11-for-15 shooting. Of course, any other player on any other team would take those numbers every night if he could, text his mother about it, go to Applebee's to celebrate, and call it a day. But since LeBron is on automatic sack-busting GOD MODE pretty much every night, that's subpar for him.

Still, as he's shown time and again, LeBron crunches Chicago Bulls into small pieces, mixes their bones with metal shavings and gravel, cooks them into pot, makes it into a hardy stew, and eats the stew with a spoon. And then he eats the spoon.

Even on what some would consider an off-night, James came down with 12 rebounds and was three assists shy of a triple-double.

As for his good pal Dwyane Wade, he tore ass through the Bulls with 17 points against a team he's traditionally struggled with.

Even with Chicago's defense bearing down on him like a horde of giants looking to feast, D-Wade was able to Tarantino his way through them like a menacing samurai, slicing arms, legs, necks, and ankles and leaving the dismembered corpse of Joakim Noah in his wake while blood sprayed on his face and those Chinese sneakers he wears now.

Chris Bosh, meanwhile, found his stroke and seems to be climbing out of the funk he's found himself in, what with a rough All-Star game and outside distractions.

The Heat have won nine in a row, and only now is Bosh coming around.

The Heat had been beaten up pretty badly by the top teams in the East this season. Entering this game, it was 0-5 against the Bulls, Pacers, and Knicks on the road. And, as we learned last year, you can't win a title if you can't win on the road.

So LeBron decided that it was enough already with that nonsense and took command. So far this season, the Bulls' supergenius defensive guru mastermind, Tom Thibodeau, would throw everything at James -- double teams, cannon balls, flaming arrows, a feral cat -- whatever it took to contain the Cobradick from being unleashed and destroying everything.

But LeBron has since been on another plane of existence with his efficiency, range, and testicle-exploding attacks to the rim. Thursday night was no different. Even with the harassing double-douche sandwiches, Joakim Noah and Luel Deng, all over LeBron's junk, the King still managed to kung-fu the ever-living shit out of them, the Bulls, Bulls fans, the Bulls mascot, all while melting down the Michael Jordan statue into a pool of led like that guy from Terminator 2: Judgement Day with just a mere glance.

The result: an 86-67 beatdown, a nine-game winning streak, and a clear message to the rest of the Eastern Conference from here on out:


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Chris Joseph
Contact: Chris Joseph