Miami Heat Takes Down OKC on Christmas Day, 103-97

Throughout the early part of the NBA season, the men of the Miami Heat played basketball games like they were simply hoarding their fucks for the impending Mayan Apocalypse.

Their defense was terrible.

Their shooting, erratic.

Their desire, seemingly lacking.

But, since Christmas is a time of giving, the Heat decided it would unload its giant toy sack of fucks and go full throttle against the Oklahoma City Thunder.

The result of being so generous with their fucks: Actual real-life dunks from Dwyane Wade, Mario Chalmers scoring 20 points, Mike Miller doing the one thing he was signed to do, and the Heat taking down Kevin Durant and the Thunder 103-97.

Also, Cobradick. Lots and lots of Cobradick.

It was the first time the two teams had faced off since the Heat took care of business and ruined all of America's summer by dismantling OKC in the NBA Finals last June.

And clearly the race for MVP is once again pitting workout pals Durant and LeBron James against each other.

Durant is a monster player. He cans score at will, with those tree-branch arms that can snatch up rebounds and make impossible-looking fade-away jumpers with ease. Kevin Durant would be the greatest player in the universe if not for James (and OKC would be a fun team to root for if not for Russel Westbrook).

But all your universe are belong to LeBron James.

Durant led a furious OKC with 33 points on 11-for-21 shooting, grabbed seven rebounds, and dished out three assists.

James? He unleashed the Cobradick and merely flirted with yet another triple double, putting up 29 points, eight rebounds and nine assists. He poured in 19 points in the first half alone, set the tone with a monster dunk, and dished out the eventual game-slamming assist to Chris Bosh in the closing seconds.

Mario Chalmers, meanwhile, remembered that he doesn't suck as he normally does when he plays OKC. As he did in the Finals, Rio played efficient, steady basketball -- as opposed to his usual kinetic frenzy game where he's dribbling the ball off his leg and throwing passes 20 feet into the stands. Chalmers put down 20 points, including four three-pointers.

Dwyane Wade delivered another strong performance -- save for the waning moments of the game, when he couldn't stop giving the ball to Thunder defenders. Despite suffering from leg cramps, Wade scored 21, including a monster CROTCH DUNK, and nearly got into a brawl with Russell Westbrook and Serge Ibaka that reminded everyone of the intensity of this fledgling rivalry. It also reminded everyone that Westbrook is an asshole.

Bosh, coming off a cold, contributed 16 points and six rebounds.

But it was his dunk with 25 seconds remaining that put Miami up by three and sealed the game for the Heat.

The dunk was also a demonstration of LeBron's basketball IQ. With the Heat running its rotation, OKC had a quick -- if not subtle -- defensive lapse, allowing Bosh to sneak in under the basket as if seemingly from out of nowhere. James, with his mind two steps ahead of everyone else, immediately recognized the lapse and shot a dart to Bosh, who flushed the ball down with no resistance.

Game. Set. Match.

The Cobradick is more than just a physical specimen. He will also pulverize you with his mind.

Statement game? Meh. Not really. But it was fun nonetheless. And it was a reminder to the rest of America that the Heat may falter from time to time, but it'll still rip your chest open and remove your still-beating heart just for shits and giggles.

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Chris Joseph
Contact: Chris Joseph