O HAI WORLD CHAMPION MIAMI HEAT BASKETBALL
After losing by seven to the Chicago Bulls and choking away Game 1 of the Eastern Conference semi-finals on Monday, the Heat decided to stuff all the Fucks they could find into giant garden-sized Glad bags, went into the American Airlines Arena for Game 2, and proceeded to Hiroshima Chicago's assholes by a score of 115-78.
The Heat massacred the Bulls by 37, evening the series while sending their two biggest dickholes to the showers early.
Let's dive into the super terrific good times!
1. LeBron James Is The Third Revelation
He didn't have his biggest night scoring-wise (19 points), but who needs to score when you're laying waste people's souls with surgical passes that defy all laws of time and space? Unlike in Game 1, LeBron decided to turn on the thermonuclear boosters and fly right into the danger zone from the opening whistle. While people were all, "ZOMGER JIMMER BUTLERR SHERT LEBERRN DEERRN" after Game 1, LeBron torched Butler into cinders and ash by attacking the rim with the agility of a puma doused with gamma rays. James completely eradicated the Bulls supposed stifling defense so badly in the first half, he mindfucked them into total dominance in the third WITHOUT SCORING A SINGLE POINT. LeBron finished the game with 9 assists, and would have finished with 800 more had things not gotten out of hand. Superstar basketball players do damage by scoring more points than you. It can be measured by simply looking at the scoreboard. LeBron's damage leaves scars in your psyche. Like a genocide or leprosy.
2. Dwyane Wade Was Late To The Party, But He Brought Chicken Wings!
D-Wade has had a rough go of it so far in this series. And Game 2 didn't start off so hot either. His first play consisted of him instinctively throwing the basketball at Joakim Noah after the Bull fouled him. He also missed his first dunk attempt after getting Dikembe Motombo'd by his own rim, and had a Chris Bosh pass bounce off his face. But then Wade settled in and remembered that he can cleave a defense with surgeon-like precision and attacked the basket like it had called his momma a dirty hoe. D-Wade flushed down 15 points, and got things started in the paint for the Heat with a flurry of dunks and reminded every one that the Triple A is, in fact, his abode.