O HAI WORLD CHAMPION MIAMI HEAT BASKETBALL
After losing by seven to the Chicago Bulls and choking away Game 1 of the Eastern Conference semi-finals on Monday, the Heat decided to stuff all the Fucks they could find into giant garden-sized Glad bags, went into the American Airlines Arena for Game 2, and proceeded to Hiroshima Chicago's assholes by a score of 115-78.
The Heat massacred the Bulls by 37, evening the series while sending their two biggest dickholes to the showers early.
Let's dive into the super terrific good times!
1. LeBron James Is The Third Revelation
He didn't have his biggest night scoring-wise (19 points), but who needs to score when you're laying waste people's souls with surgical passes that defy all laws of time and space? Unlike in Game 1, LeBron decided to turn on the thermonuclear boosters and fly right into the danger zone from the opening whistle. While people were all, "ZOMGER JIMMER BUTLERR SHERT LEBERRN DEERRN" after Game 1, LeBron torched Butler into cinders and ash by attacking the rim with the agility of a puma doused with gamma rays. James completely eradicated the Bulls supposed stifling defense so badly in the first half, he mindfucked them into total dominance in the third WITHOUT SCORING A SINGLE POINT. LeBron finished the game with 9 assists, and would have finished with 800 more had things not gotten out of hand. Superstar basketball players do damage by scoring more points than you. It can be measured by simply looking at the scoreboard. LeBron's damage leaves scars in your psyche. Like a genocide or leprosy.
2. Dwyane Wade Was Late To The Party, But He Brought Chicken Wings!
D-Wade has had a rough go of it so far in this series. And Game 2 didn't start off so hot either. His first play consisted of him instinctively throwing the basketball at Joakim Noah after the Bull fouled him. He also missed his first dunk attempt after getting Dikembe Motombo'd by his own rim, and had a Chris Bosh pass bounce off his face. But then Wade settled in and remembered that he can cleave a defense with surgeon-like precision and attacked the basket like it had called his momma a dirty hoe. D-Wade flushed down 15 points, and got things started in the paint for the Heat with a flurry of dunks and reminded every one that the Triple A is, in fact, his abode.
3. Joakim Noah Is A Dangly Camel Testicle
Seriously. Look at him. He looks like the dangly balls of an old camel. Smells like one too.
4. Chris Bosh Managed To Be Awesome While Still Sucking
Bosh went 3-for-10 in Game 1, which is just a sock full of cat turdlettes. Game 2 was really no different. He went 5-for-10 (improvement!) and scored 13. But where he lacked in getting off clean silky smoov shots, he made up by shutting down Camel Balls Noah by playing some mean dino-defense in the paint, and actually throwing himself at loose balls for rebounds. The good news is, you know Bosh is going to get his soon. The early struggles are infuriating, and you want him to come out and unleash the inner Godzilla and fuck the basket up with a carnage of silky smoov fireballs and screams and spittle. That'll come. You can fancy up the Dino Bosh all you want (because he likes to be fancy, you see), but he's still a velociraptor. And velociraptors fuck things up. It's just science.
5. SILENCE, STEVE KERR.
Holy shit TNT color commentator Steve Kerr can't stop talking about how amazing the Chicago Bulls are. Even while in the midst of having their assholes Hiroshima'd by the Heat, Kerr still managed to talk up how fantastic the Bulls are because they won a game and never mind this merciless massacre that's happening as my face hole is yapping. Kerr is notorious for this shit. And kudos to TNT for having a former Bulls player color commentate on a Bulls playoff series. Big thinkers over at the TNT. Steve Kerr needs to eat all the dicks. And then when there's no more room and he's choking because of so many dicks, dicks need to be broken in half so they can fit in his mouth.
6. The Birdman With a +16? DEEAAAD GIVEAWAY! DEEEEEAAAAAD GIVEAWAYYY!!
Chris Anderson was really nowhere to be found in Game 1 (as it was with everyone else), but he got back into de-nutting the opponent mode and gave the Heat some much needed CAW CAW energy. When he wasn't hurling his tattooed body at loose balls at Mach 12, he was warning anyone and every Chicago Bull player who dared try to hurt LeBron that he would retaliate by ripping their balls off and stuffing them so far up their assholes, they'd have balls-shaped breasts. Anderson played 10 explosive minutes and scored 7 points. He gave the Bulls a taste of their own douche medicine by being an insufferable, energy monster. Unlike the Bulls, however, Chris Anderson doesn't scream like an asshole when he scores. He simply comes out, wrecks ass, and gets some Gatorade.
Birdman's contributions were no lost on D-Wade, who honored Anderson's neck tattoos with his post-game blazer.
(I have an entire suit just like that one, by the way. Call me, ladies)
7. So What Now?
The Bulls game consists of three things: 1. Bumping 2. Pushing 3. And Yelling Like A Bunch of Assholes.
This is all they do. Every now and then one of them will hit a shot or two, like Nate Robinson (he and his career 30% from the floor). So it really should be no surprise that the Heat decided to show up and drop a carnage bomb on their asses and obliterating them by 37.
The Heat simply have to do what they do: Play defense. Make their open shots. And allow the Cobradick to Cobradick (Chris Bosh needs to be better but that'll happen)
Take care of shit, fuck, have some coffee.
Game 3 in Chicago is on Friday.
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to New Times Broward-Palm Beach's mission. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling South Florida's stories with no paywalls.