Your Miami Heat is headed to its third-straight NBA Finals after vanquishing the Indiana Pacers in Game 7 of the Eastern Conference Finals, 99-76.
While Indiana gave Miami all it could handle in this series, it was the Heat's stifling defense coupled with the world-devouring awesomeness of LeBron James, with a little vintage Dwyane Wade and the power of Jesus Shuttlesworth, that not only got the Heat the victory but allowed the Heat to completely annihilate the Pacers in this final and series-deciding game.
The Heat is now four wins away from winning back-to-back titles.
Here's the rundown:
1. LeBron James Is A Walking Apocalypse LeBron James was pure dominance in a game where it was do or have your balls treated like a speed bag by all of America.
From the start, LeBron was a human wrecking ball to the Pacers' faces. He used his massive size to destroy anything that came within breathing distance, smashing Paul George into a fine powder, and punching Roy Hibbert in the crotch so hard, his dick spewed forth fire for the rest of the night like when the Iraqis set their oil rigs on fire.
LeBron James was the destructor, bench pressing a freight train during pre-game warm ups, and then leveling the Indiana Pacers to the tune of 32 points, 8 rebounds, and going 15-for-16 from the free throw line.
He decimated George on defense, rendering Indiana's best perimeter player so useless, he was simply just a sweaty guy in a yellow tank-top, as opposed to the Pacers' star player. James effectively face-smashed George into the seventh circle of David West's gaping asshole, forcing him to score just 7 points on 2-for-7 shooting in the biggest game of the series.
Through the maelstrom of utter crotch-destruction, and while in the process of littering the American Airlines Arena with the decaying corpses of anything that had a yellow Indiana jersey on, and relentlessly clubbing people in the face with his dong, LeBron also managed to get in a couple of dunks so intense, he almost collapsed the very foundations of the earth with one dunk, and almost smashed his face into the rim with the other
With 4:20 remaining in the first quarter, and the Pacers off to a quick start, LeBron flushed down a putback dunk off a Mario Chalmers miss that was so devastating, Frank Vogel's asshole exploded.
The dunk got the listless crowd roaring with bloodlust, and it was this dunk that would let everyone know that LeBron had come to fuck.
Then, with 8:26 remaining in the second quarter, with the Heat running away with the game, LeBron took a perfectly passed alley-oop from Norris Cole and disemboweled the Pacers' hopes of the monumental upset by crushing a dunk so massive, he almost literally knocked himself out with the basketball rim.
2. Dwyane Wade Ate The Bones! When scholars look back on this time in human history, they will come back to one indisputable truth: DO NOT EVER FUCKING QUESTION THE AWESOMENESS OF ONE DWYANE TYRONE WADE, otherwise known as MV3.
After playing like a sack of walrus shit for the better part of forever in this series, the questions and the doubts lingered around Wade louder than it ever had before.
People generally forgot that he had a bone bruise in his knee (which is pretty goddamn painful), and began to hurl insults at Wade, with some Heat fans even suggesting he should be shipped off at season's end.
And then came Game 7, and there was Wade, hurtling himself at the basket, a broken man with one leg and the heart of a lion, looking for a way to force open the floodgates of his awesome.
And then the Pacers' Lance Stephenson did something pretty remarkably stupid.
He hit a shot, and began to talk smack.
Moments later, Dwyane Wade, he of one leg and a shadow of his former superstar-self, took the basketball from one end of the court to the other, and put a Euro-step on Stephenson that shattered both his femurs and turned him into smoldering wafting ashes under the basket.
That. Fucking. Happened.
And the Pacers were simply unable to recover after that.
As the game went on, Wade slowly embraced his old-ass-destroying-self, throwing down 21 points and grabbing 9 rebounds.
He attacked the rim like had a score to settle, hurtling his body at the Pacers' front line with the crazy-death-courage of a Kamikaze pilot with a snappy wardrobe, drawing fouls, and hitting all seven of his free throws on the night, and he took all the doubters, and haters and crammed them so far up into Gregg Doyel's ass, every time Gregg takes a shit, he shits out nothing but doubters and haters.
3. Nobody Fucks With The Jesus Holy shitfire did the Heat need someone besides LeBron and a second guy to step up.
Throughout these playoffs, Ray Allen was a useless pustule of a basketball player. His shot was a mess, his defense deplorable, and his ball handling abysmal.
It was clear Ray Allen was dead.
Ray Allen, even in his advanced age, and deteriorating defense, is still a pants-shitting terrifying vision for NBA defenses. That's because his three-point shot is the inevitable demise and destruction of all things.
The Alpha and Omega.
When Allen's shot is dropping, it consumes the very fabric of reality until all that is left is the caldron of hellfire reserved for all those who doubted him.
Ray Allen is the Light and the Resurrection.
For the first part of the series, it was the Pacers hitting insane-o threes at opportune times.
But, in Game 7, when it mattered the most, it was Jesus Shuttlesworth who snatched that ability back from the Pacers, stuck up their asses, and pulled the trigger until the gun went click.
Game 1 of the NBA Finals versus the San Antonio Spurs is on Thursday Night.
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