Miami Heat Wrecks the Pacers in Game 7, Heads for the NBA Finals for Third Straight Year | The Daily Pulp | South Florida | Broward Palm Beach New Times | The Leading Independent News Source in Broward-Palm Beach, Florida


Miami Heat Wrecks the Pacers in Game 7, Heads for the NBA Finals for Third Straight Year

Your Miami Heat is headed to its third-straight NBA Finals after vanquishing the Indiana Pacers in Game 7 of the Eastern Conference Finals, 99-76.

While Indiana gave Miami all it could handle in this series, it was the Heat's stifling defense coupled with the world-devouring awesomeness of LeBron James, with a little vintage Dwyane Wade and the power of Jesus Shuttlesworth, that not only got the Heat the victory but allowed the Heat to completely annihilate the Pacers in this final and series-deciding game.

The Heat is now four wins away from winning back-to-back titles.

Here's the rundown:

1. LeBron James Is A Walking Apocalypse LeBron James was pure dominance in a game where it was do or have your balls treated like a speed bag by all of America.

From the start, LeBron was a human wrecking ball to the Pacers' faces. He used his massive size to destroy anything that came within breathing distance, smashing Paul George into a fine powder, and punching Roy Hibbert in the crotch so hard, his dick spewed forth fire for the rest of the night like when the Iraqis set their oil rigs on fire.

LeBron James was the destructor, bench pressing a freight train during pre-game warm ups, and then leveling the Indiana Pacers to the tune of 32 points, 8 rebounds, and going 15-for-16 from the free throw line.

He decimated George on defense, rendering Indiana's best perimeter player so useless, he was simply just a sweaty guy in a yellow tank-top, as opposed to the Pacers' star player. James effectively face-smashed George into the seventh circle of David West's gaping asshole, forcing him to score just 7 points on 2-for-7 shooting in the biggest game of the series.

Through the maelstrom of utter crotch-destruction, and while in the process of littering the American Airlines Arena with the decaying corpses of anything that had a yellow Indiana jersey on, and relentlessly clubbing people in the face with his dong, LeBron also managed to get in a couple of dunks so intense, he almost collapsed the very foundations of the earth with one dunk, and almost smashed his face into the rim with the other

With 4:20 remaining in the first quarter, and the Pacers off to a quick start, LeBron flushed down a putback dunk off a Mario Chalmers miss that was so devastating, Frank Vogel's asshole exploded.

The dunk got the listless crowd roaring with bloodlust, and it was this dunk that would let everyone know that LeBron had come to fuck.

Then, with 8:26 remaining in the second quarter, with the Heat running away with the game, LeBron took a perfectly passed alley-oop from Norris Cole and disemboweled the Pacers' hopes of the monumental upset by crushing a dunk so massive, he almost literally knocked himself out with the basketball rim.

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Chris Joseph
Contact: Chris Joseph

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