Miami Marlins Have Traded Everyone: Jose Reyes, Mark Buehrle, Emilio Bonafacio, and Maybe More | The Daily Pulp | South Florida | Broward Palm Beach New Times | The Leading Independent News Source in Broward-Palm Beach, Florida


Miami Marlins Have Traded Everyone: Jose Reyes, Mark Buehrle, Emilio Bonafacio, and Maybe More

After swindling the entire city of Miami, then building their tax-laden $560 million stadium and promising everyone they were going "all in," the Miami Marlins have decided to gut their roster and trade away ace pitcher Josh Johnson, Mark Buehrle, Jose Reyes, John Buck, and Emilio Bonifacio to the Toronto Blue Jays.

There are rumors that pitcher Ricky Nolasco will also be traded.

In return, the Marlins are getting a handful of prospects and the confirmation that team owner Jeffrey Loria is a giant penis-headed dipshit.

The deal is pending league approval, but since Bud Selig doesn't really do anything, there's no doubt it will go through.

The winner in all of this is, of course, Loria, who walks away with a fat wallet, leaving fans wallowing in sadness and confusion while he uses their money to buy himself another $100 million painting for his shit collection.

Give credit to Loria, though. He managed to lie to an entire city, fooled people into thinking his team was bankrupt -- even when files were published showing otherwise! And he got the tax funding to build his stadium.

He then signed a bunch of players and now, not even a year later, is sending them packing along with their best pitcher.

Takes balls to be that kind of a walking asshole. Ballsass, if you will.

Meanwhile, the Marlins' best player chimed in on Twitter:

Marlins fans better not hold on to any hope whatsoever that Stanton will be sticking around.

Not worth the pain.

Well done, Mr. Loria. Ballsass.

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Chris Joseph
Contact: Chris Joseph

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