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You know that guy who you follow on Twitter because he’s so stupid his tweets make you want to punch yourself in the face and hurl yourself out of the window?
Mike Wallace is that guy.
Today he jettisoned some plain stoopid comments regarding NBA player Jason Collins’ announcement that he’s gay. Wallace put the news through some Wallacian reasoning processes and clacked out a bit of trenchant analysis: “All these beautiful women in the world and guys wanna mess with other guys SMH…”
Then, by means of explanation, he said everyone, CALM DOWN. You don’t understand! I’m not a bigot. I’m just ignorant.
“I’m not bashing anybody,” Wallace said, “don’t have anything against anyone I just don’t understand it.”
When we first read these tweets, we thought: Is Mike Wallace really that stupid? But then, after trolling the depths of his Twitter feed, we’ve realized that, yes, Mike Wallace is that stupid.
And then some.
15. You sure have, Mike
14. Mike Wallace is so much smarter than all of us
13. Mike Wallace is so much richer than all of us
12. Mike Wallace counts his money in terms of measurement
11. (Unless you’re gay.)
10. Smartest thing Mike Wallace has ever tweeted
9. Mike Wallace at convenience store, trying to buy gum, can’t find proper denominations of currency
8. Mike Wallace is really more a Velcro man, himself. (Less complicated.)
7. Don’t fuck with Mike Wallace and his crawfish, random scrub who tweeted about crawfish
6. Duuuuuuuudee, fo’ realsie
5. Red Rum spelled backwards doesn’t spell out coffin for ninjas, Mike. It spells Mur Der.
4. …Yes.
3. Mike Wallace says fuck reading books.
2. (If you’re gay)
1. Earlier today, trying to make all the bad homophobia go away
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