Broker Accused of Stealing, Finding True Meaning of Christmas
Today's news is being brought to you by my coworker Stacy, the head of the accounting department and the proud owner of this super scary Grinch costume. Stacy decided to wear this costume today, which is also reserved for The Juice's "Bring Your Daughter, Son, Dog, or Ferret To Work Day." So Stacy literally scared the turd out of those poor ferrets. But as she said, "Christmas sucks, and those ferrets should know it."
Case in point: Bernard Madoff, the Palm Beach securities broker who supposedly stole from investors, including a few charities, and left them with no money to do their non-evil work. He stole, authorities say, from a bunch of Jewish groups and Jewish charities. To which, my coworker Stacy said, "At least there's no worry about having a bad Christmas this year."
After the jump, Stacy considers the benefits of lighting the Christmas tree on fire.
Burn Tannenbaum, Burn
Channel 12 in West Palm is helping your family stay safe this year by publishing this story on the most common causes of Christmas tree fires. Item No. 1: Keep the tree watered. This would've been good to know about 11 months ago, when I stopped watering last year's tree. It seriously looks terrible now. Anyway, I showed Stacy the photo Channel 12 has on its website of a Christmas tree burning and she just laughed like crazy. Which caused an office full of ferrets to relieve themselves.
I'll Take Six Inches of Holiday Cheer and All Your Money
If there's one sign of holiday cheer this year, it's the guy who robbed a Quiznos in Parkland and apologized to the cashier, saying he had recently lost his job and needed money for the holidays. It's really a heartwarming story, and one that I'd love to see remade as a new Peanuts Christmas Special.
Dave Barry: Fruitcakes Are Still Hilarious
One person I'm not wishing happy holidays to this year is Dave Barry, who recently published a "classic Dave Barry," apparently so he could spend more time coming up with things that aren't funny. Included in this classic column are jokes in this order: the word underwear; it's warm in Florida at Christmas time; fruitcake; Christmas trees in Florida are not as good as up north; and underwear. This year, I'm asking Santa to make sure Dave Barry forgets to water his tree.
For today's reenactment, a German-speaking Kevin Costner plays the part of the Quiznos robber, who rallies the residents of Parkland to steal from the Land of Toasted Subs.
-- Eric Barton