Morning Juice: Crist Weds Today as Enis, Santa May Attend, Palm Beach Post Crushes Hopes, Dreams | The Daily Pulp | South Florida | Broward Palm Beach New Times | The Leading Independent News Source in Broward-Palm Beach, Florida

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Morning Juice: Crist Weds Today as Enis, Santa May Attend, Palm Beach Post Crushes Hopes, Dreams

Will Crist Be Unable to Quit Mark Foley?

Gov. Charlie Crist is expected to wed Carole Rome today in St. Petersburg, officially making the state of Florida a remake of Brokeback Mountain. Heath Ledger's death solidified the ever-tanned and fastidious Crist into the role of Enis, the troubled homosexual cowboy whose political party won't let him live the lifestyle he so desires. No word yet on who plays Jake Gyllenhaall's part, but my money's on Mark Foley.

After the jump, will Santa come to Charlie Crist's wedding dressed as one of the members of YMCA? That and other untrue headlines followed by a question mark.

Mrs. Clause Might Be Left at Home

The Crist wedding guest list hasn't been released, but you can bet that your Secret Santa is attending. That's clear from the crack reporting of Channel 4, which has uncovered a story today that carried this headline: "Secret Santa Is The Trendiest Man of the Season." The story concludes:

And whether you're indifferent or elated, at least it won't break your bank. and something else we could break.

Now, I know what you're saying, something like, "Hey that sentence doesn't make a lick of sense." True, yes, but what I think Channel 4 is trying to say is that Secret Santa could break onto the scene at Crist's wedding. It's clear Santa would be popular with Crist, especially considering that satin outfit and offers to sit on his lap.

Newspaper Headline Destroys Hopes, Dreams

The first half of a headline on the Palm Beach Post's website today seems very promising for our troubled economy. "Will gas fall to $1 a gallon?" the first half of the headline asks. The question is like a MagLite of hope streaming down on us working saps, a proverbial angel's hand reaching down to help fill our Hummers or, in my case, a 1987 Ford Bronco II. But no, the second half of the headline destroys our hopes and dreams by declaring: "Not likely, especially in Florida." So if I understand this headline correctly, there was not likely any reason to ask this question, especially in Florida, and probably not anywhere else either. Why, Palm Beach Post, do you publish headlines that both cause us to dream and then crush those dreams like a roll of antiquated newsprint falling on us in our sleep?

Acting out this headline in the below video is the Road Runner, who dashes the hopes and dreams of an Italian Wile E. Coyote.

-- Eric Barton

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Eric Barton
Contact: Eric Barton

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