Take a Break This Holiday Season From Being a Douche
The Florida Highway Patrol began a crackdown on aggressive drivers today at 12:01 a.m., meaning we've all go to take a break from driving like a douche nozzle. FHP Colonel John Czernis explained the operation in this press release. Here's an excerpt:
"We will be out enforcing Florida traffic laws, placing emphasis on motorists who place others in danger. We will have zero tolerance for violators who have a disregard for the safety of others."
The project ends at midnight Jan. 4, and according to the good colonel, that apparently will be when FHP troopers can go back to ignoring traffic laws, de-emphasizing motorists who place others in danger, and having, I don't know, a one-in-ten tolerance for douches who could give a crap about the safety of others. Man, Jan. 4 on I-95 will feel like the fathers of Freddy Kruger have been given permission to travel in the HOV lane. Oh yeah, if you don't remember, Freddy's mom was a nurse in an insane asylum and was raped by a hundred madmen, producing Freddy, or, as you know him on your daily commute, that douche in the lowered Hyundai behind you.
After the jump, I reveal exactly who will be tailgating you tonight! Hint: they've got mezzuzahs on their doors.
Crackdown on Jewish Grapes Expected Tonight
Hundreds of Jewish singles will be heading out to rival Matzo Balls tonight. The FHP, meanwhile, will be looking for drivers hopped up on Manishevitz wine. It's not the drunk thing -- Col. Czernis has a zero-tolerance policy on any liquor made with concord grapes.
Bird Victim of Drive-By, Motorists Can Keep Shooting
It's unfortunate for an osprey from Boynton Beach that the FHP's crackdown didn't start a few days earlier, because then maybe it wouldn't have gotten shot in the wing and required surgery at the Wildlife Care Center in Fort Lauderdale. I'm assuming here that the bird was shot by a road raging driver, because all of us have gotten angry enough at that guy in the Hyundai to shoot at a passing osprey. Luckily, the FHP isn't cracking down on shooting wildlife from your window.
-- Eric Barton