South Florida Protest of Mideast Violence Punctuated by 'Lame' Insults
Supporters of Palestine and Israel spent the day yesterday hurling "half-assed" insults at each other at Bayfront Park during a really "lame-o" protest of the recent Mideast violence. These poorly prepared cracks included "Go back to Israel so we can shoot you!'' and "Monkeys and pigs" -- and other insults that prove the protesters "have not a god damned clue" about how to properly hurt someone's feelings.
This is according to Mort Lebovitch, pictured above, my neighbor from apartment 6A. Mort's been telling me for months how newspapers "don't know diddly squat" nowadays. Paid in blintzes from TooJays, Mort offered this assessment of the Israel-Palestine protest: "What they need is some good, American insults. 'Monkeys and pigs?' What does that even mean? I don't even know which side they're insulting." At this point, Mort offered his own version of anti-Jew and anti-Palestinian protests, but I didn't have a chance to write them down as the TooJays manager made us leave.
After the jump, Mort insults other newsmakers, including, most likely, you.
'Idiot Tax' Tickets for Powerball Slow to Sell
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Powerball tickets went on sale for the first time in Florida yesterday, but sales were reportedly a bit slow. Mort had a simple explanation for the fact that people weren't running out to buy tickets for Wednesday's $105 million jackpot. He explained that people who usually buy "the idiot tax" tickets are "dumb as a box of rocks" and probably didn't even know about "the new biggest dummy game on the planet." At this point, I decided not to mention that, just yesterday, I scored a free ticket out of the five scratch-offs that I bought, mostly because I didn't know about this new Powerball thing.
Parcells to Stay, Confusing Anyone Familiar With His Contract
Dolphins owner and prince of South Florida H. Wayne Huizenga says Bill Parcells will stay on as overlord of the Dolphins. Parcells could have left because a clause in his contract says he doesn't have to stay if the team is sold. Huizenga is expected to finalize a deal soon to sell a majority stake in the team to billionaire Stephen Ross. And the clause meant that even if Parcells quit, he still would have gotten paid $9-12 million because Huizenga sold the team. When I explained this to Mort, he insisted that I must have misunderstood, that it appears I'm "the big idiot here." I tried to disagree, but he used some of those anti-Palestinian chants on me.
-- Eric Barton