It's officially the Year of Hope, and South Florida weather forecasters already have something they hoped for: slightly different weather. That's right, we've got something of a cold front, and that means our weathermen have broken out not the exaggerated phrases but the crazy-stupid exaggerated phrases normally used only for hurricanes, a pack of tornadoes, or bad weather patterns caused by The Rapture. This comes from NBC 6 chief meteorologist Paul Deanno:
"Last week we had the sweater alert where it was just chilly outside with lows in the 50s. But we're going to up the ante here and go for the heavy jacket alert."
Deanno doesn't get into the consequences of ignoring his alert, but I'm guessing long-term exposure includes becoming increasingly chilled, leading to "witch's tit" nipples, prolonged goose bumps, and the feeling that our weathermen say things like "sweater alert" just to see if people are still watching.
After the jump, I use NBC 6 chief meteorologist Paul Deanno's thought process on other local news, including a "collar alert" for two naughty priests.
Priests Face Trial for Bilking, Not That Other Thing
Two priests go on trial today in West Palm Beach. They're accused of bilking parishioners. While this seems like bad news, it's actually a pleasure to report that "bilking" means stealing money and not something normally done by priests to their parishioners.
Huizenga Cashes $1 Billion Check, Has Enough to Buy Everything Else
H. Wayne Huizenga completed the sale of a majority stake in the Miami Dolphins. He got $1 billion for the team and some surrounding land. I was going to make a joke about what NBC 6 chief meteorologist Paul Deanno might say about this deal, but Mr. Huizenga has also purchased the rest of this sentence.
Fifth-Grader Missed Inauguration, Forced to Meet Oprah
The fifth-grader from Palm Beach County who was supposed to report yesterday on the inauguration didn't get in due to long security lines. Just the same, Damon Weaver got to meet celebrities like Oprah Winfrey and Spike Lee, which, if translated into NBC 6 chief meteorologist Paul Deanno talk, would translate roughly into a "seriously, Oprah instead of Barack Obama?" alert, which is slightly worse than the alert issued for The Rapture.