You spoke, we listened. Back by popular demand, welcome to this week's Mug-Shot Monday, a longstanding franchise focusing on the week's most eye-catching mugs from South Florida's tat heads, tough guys, derp faces, and femmes fatale.
The Real Mr. 305 And lo, the people of Miami turned away from Pitbull, for he was a false prophet, and embraced their true savior. In all seriousness, if anyone has legitimate dibs on the Mr. 305 moniker, it's a hard-faced ginger in police custody with his hometown love inked across his neck. Pitbull, get that weak sauce out of here.
First Contact If extraterrestrials should ever do touch down on our big blue ball, there's one area of overlap our two galactically different cultures can agree on: disliking the po-po.
We've All Been There You're sitting there at your laptop, having a good chuckle, but let us quizz you, hot shot: what do you look like when you wake up in the morning? Difference is, you wake up in bed. This lady looks like she woke up in the back of a police car. Either way, the human face isn't pretty in those first few moments of wakefulness. Truth.
AND NOW, NEW TIMES PRESENTS: WHEN CREATIVE WRITING WORKSHOPS GO BAD
Pixie Poet This girl is a slam dunk for the resident hottie who sits in the front row of every Intro Poetry Writing Seminar at every over-priced liberal arts college in America. Said hottie must be there, it's part of the rules governing over-priced liberal arts colleges in the America. She raises her hands a lot. Has a big Jorie Graham thing. Dates older guys who drive motorcycles. And politely declines your repeated invites to grab a latte at the student union to discuss Sontag. And you cry, you cry, you cry.
Morrissey The Pope of Mope here read some Pynchon right around the invasion of Iraq, and since then he's been working on that encyclopedic masterpiece. Preach brother, preach.
The Sad Poet This guy obviously has a lot of drawers full of love sonnets scrawled on Subway napkins. Songs about unrequited loves, from his fourth grade gym teacher to that pixie hottie who always sits at the front of the poetry seminar.
Something's Missing from the Outfit Somewhere, there's a bright blond wig that's missing its owner.
Another Santa Lost to the System If we've learned anything from regularly combing through dozens of mug shots from across South Florida, it's this: In Broward County, every week, without fail, someone who looks like Santa Claus is taken into custody.
Dating 2.0 Quick: this picture just came across your Tinder results. Is your therapist on speed dial? Is there enough vodka in the fridge? Just kidding. We're sure he's not that bad. Probably has a great collection of jazz records. Probably.
Send your story tips to the author, Kyle Swenson.
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