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New Year's Resolutions for South Florida Tech Geeks

​So whether you're a Geekus of a Suavicorn, you've likely made some New Year's resolutions already. Well, dump 'em, because this is a much better and more fitting list.

"Lose weight?" "Eat better?" "Give more to charity?" Blah, those are so cliche. You're a damned tech nerd, for cripes' sake. Act like it. Here's a handy list of more fitting resolutions for you South Florida geeks to aspire to.

Attend SIGGRAPH and learn what the acronym stands for.
How many conferences did you attend this year? Did most of them involve Star Trek outfits and pretending to be a samurai? Lame. Time to grow up and enter the real big leagues. Start attending more tech-oriented conferences with more science and less fiction in them.

Integrate your social media and lifestream with face-to-face South Florida interactions of meaningful importance.
No point in actually attempting to do what that resolution says. Just put it down as a goal on your resume. It's got a lot of great buzz words that nongeeks (who usually do the hiring) think are totally hip and "spot on" nowadays. This lame phrase that literally means "go get coffee with a Twitter bud" is all the rage now. If it doesn't get you a new job, strategically "dropping" your new resume with this phrase in the office might get you a raise.

Get healthy for once.
To be healthy, since healthy choices are always favorite New Year's resolutions, how about choosing something that actually might happen in your lifestyle? Like not drinking a gallon of coffee every day? Or maybe laying off the diet soda with the cancertame in it? Or (gasp!) eating FRUIT! Ya, I know how you are, nerdman. Time to lay off the enamel-dissolving foods for a change. Try it for a week. I suggest replacing your cheeseburgers and potato chips with pizza. Hawaiian, if you're after the fruit thing. All food groups represented! Booyah!

Learn to FOCUS
I realize that without caffeine intake (see above), many geeks will find themselves listless and bereft of concentration. All those years of stimulants have taken their toll on your ability to use your brain naturally. I think the term for this is "brainfunk." Try this resolution on a weekend and see what happens. It often turns into a creative blitz of things you might become proud of. Or another one of those "woke up on Monday with no underwear and a straw sticking out of my ear" occasions. Same diff.

Never, ever "get jiggy wit' it."
Erkel couldn't dance, and neither can you. If you don't believe me, video yourself dancing and I guarantee you'll have an Elaine moment of Seinfeldian proportions.  Get some lessons, jerky.

Throw a party that doesn't involve costumes or LAN.
How about trying to throw an actual, real party? Even if it's a South Florida-based Meetup or Tweetup at your favorite South Florida restaurant. You know, a party that doesn't involve sci-fi costumes, pretending to be a Pokemon, or local networking to play games. A real party. One where people, like, drink booze and laugh at (mostly coherent) jokes. That sort of thing. I realize this is rough when all of your friends are tech nerds, but you should give it a shot. If it starts to get lame, you can always bust out the Guitar Hero or something.

Hopefully these resolutions will help you have a better new year. Especially if you made the usual junk list of resolutions you never planned to do anything but impress your mom with.

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Craig Agranoff

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