After watching last night's Pepsi Cola-Bud Light Super Bowl, it became clear to me that everything needs an official sponsor. So today's Morning Juice is brought to you by the
Nicaraguan Tourism and Marijuana Growers Cooperative. It's good timing to land that sponsor too, because they just picked up a big-time celebrity endorsement with Michael Phelps. Remember, kids, if you want to win, like, 47 gold medals at the Olympics, be sure to smoke your Nicaraguan marijuana from a water bong.
And there's no better time to smoke sticky-sweet Nicaraguan marijuana than now, when the economy is officially "an absolute disaster." That's according to Donald Trump, who flew into West Palm Beach on Friday and announced that things haven't been this bad since the Great Depression. Trump, who sold his Palm Beach mansion last year for a paltry $100 million, said:
Before you get seriously stoned to forget the thought of a ten-year downturn, I'm happy to announce that your friendly neighborhood drug dealer is having a special this week on dime bags of Nicaraguan marijuana. Really, it's the only working stimulus package.
"I think it's going to go down further, and I think the economy is going to go down further, and then it will bottom out. It could be a long time before it comes back. This could last for 10 years."
After the jump, Trump makes some sacrifices to survive the downturn that may or may not include smoking a cashed one-hitter. (Spoiler alert: His cutbacks do not include said previous example.)
Trump Ball Cuts Corners, Except on Molten Gold Fountain
After Trump announced that the recession will last a decade, he officially kicked off Palm Beach's biggest society ball. The $1,000-a-seat Red Cross Ball included a buffet of smoked salmon, baked Alaska, Nicaraguan hash, and a molten gold fountain. Now true, I have no idea what was on the buffet, but I do know that even Trump was forced to cut corners at the Red Cross Ball. Organizers said they had to take such extreme measures as: "Taking every other flower out of the pot!"
Before that quote forces you to smoke way too much Nicaraguan marijuana, consider that you still have better hair than Donald Trump. And if you don't, I'd suggest taking a slow drag from the new Michael Phelps-endorsed water bong.