Nine Reasons Chicago Bears Fans Are the Worst

The 2014 Miami Dolphins season is well underway! And while lots of other sites will be breaking down each game and list reasons why the Dolphins will or won't win while analyzing players, coaches, and match-ups against their respective opponent week to week, we won't.

Not us. Not here. Instead, we're focusing on why every week's opponent has the worst fan base in all the NFL.

This week, the 2-3 Dolphins are set to play the Bears on Sunday at Soldier Field in Chicago.

See also: Nine Reasons Green Bay Packers Fans Are the Worst

Here are nine reasons why Bears fans are the worst:

9. Because They Can't Even Do Death Threats Properly In 2013, Bears safety Chris Conte -- despite having a solid season and solid game -- essentially blew a game against the Packers when he gave up a touchdown. A Bears win would have sent Chicago to the playoffs.

Bears fans were pissed, so much so that they decided to take to Twitter and send death threats at Conte that included telling him to kill himself and hoping he would catch AIDS.

Because they're a classy lot.

Yet in a rare case of classlessness meets stupid, all these lovely tweets were sent to the wrong Chris Conte.


8. Because They've Deified The Most Overrated Coach in NFL History No one in the history of sports has squeezed more out of one flukey successful season and turned it into a career like Mike Ditka. Yet Bears fans still go to games dressed like him and act as if he's the second coming of Vince Lombardi.

All these years later, he's a slab of meat with a mustache yelling things on TV and being called an expert.

Ditka's '85 Bears were a dominant team, lost only one game, and won the Super Bowl. But that team's success had everything to do with a defensive unit that came together at the right time and with Walter Payton hitting his prime. Perez Hilton could've coached the '85 Bears and not fucked it up. All Ditka managed to do was look stoic with his mustache and shades and... that's pretty much it. But the man is still treated as if he's some kind of football savant. Watch Ditka on pregame shows every Sunday and what you'll find is a caricature come to life. His "analysis" is a garbled mess of sentence fragments and a red face.

7. Because the '85 Bears Much like their coach, every member of the '85 Bears outside of Payton were a mediocre bunch of dipshits, yet they took the success of that one season and milked it into postcareer endorsement deals for local businesses and such. Jim McMahon is historically one of the most mediocre quarterbacks of all time yet has a Super Bowl ring, while guys like Dan Marino walk around without. The '85 Bears also gave the world the Super Bowl Shuffle, which is the worst thing of all time.

Also, HAHAHAHA suck it, almost perfect season.

6. Because Jim Belushi In keeping with the tradition of milking things for all they're worth and being inexplicably successful -- like Ditka and McMahon -- the Bears' biggest celebrity fan is the inexplicably famous Jim Belushi.

Belushi basically took his older talented brother's name and made a career for himself, and no one can explain how. He's not funny; he's not a great actor. He just is. Much like the Bears.

Seriously, look at this goon.

5. Because They Inspired the Worst Recurring SNL Sketch of All Time

And keep in mind, that list includes the Wayne's World sketches (which are also based on characters from Illinois).

Much like Ditka inexplicably being hired as a "football expert" and Jim Belushi being inexplicably given sitcoms, the Da Bears sketches are inexplicably a recurring thing on Saturday Night Live.

It's based on Bears fan stereotypes. The mustaches, the fatness, the heart attacks. Hi-larious.

Only Bears fans can manage to make the otherwise brilliant Robert Smigel completely unfunny.

4. Because of Their Fake Tough Guyness Bears fans -- and pretty much all Chicagoans -- LOVE to put on a tough-guy act, because their city has roughly 173,985 homicides a year. But mostly because they're a fucking miserable lot who hail from a city that's not only unbearably cold but also has a massive inferiority complex over the fact that it's never going to be New York City. Being miserable, ornery, and hating everything does not equal toughness. Nor does hailing from a city where Al Capone lived. Chicago also gave Al Capone syphilis, which explains a lot.

They love to bitch about how certain players aren't up to snuff with their toughness standards or about how Derrick Rose is a wimp because of his bad knees, yet not a single Bears fan doesn't look like they haven't stuffed roughly 173,985 pounds of kiełbasa down their face holes. They love to quote Sean Connery from The Untouchables when he talks about "the Chicago way" without realizing that the real "Chicago way" actually just means being an insufferably whiny asshole. The scene where Connery gets gunned down to a bloody pulp is the best scene from that movie, by the way.

3. Because of this Guy

2. And These People

1. And This Guy

KEEP NEW TIMES BROWARD-PALM BEACH FREE... Since we started New Times Broward-Palm Beach, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of South Florida, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Chris Joseph
Contact: Chris Joseph