Holidays

One Man, Two Ridiculous Fake Profiles, and Three Online Dating Sites: Can You Get a Valentine's Date Online?

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OKCupid

OKCupid lived up to its name, and romance and love reigned supreme. If PoF was Douche Bag Ryan's hometown, OKCupid gave Rian the home-field advantage.

It seemed girl after girl fell for Rian's over-the-top charm. They might not have all bought it, but they wanted so badly to believe that a man this sweet and innocent existed on the internet. For them, this weird little specimen who bakes pies and loves kittens represented hope.

Out of 12 conversations, Rian got four Valentine's Day date yeses and two maybes. It was a heroic performance. It was Kerri Strug at the 1996 Olympics vaulting with a bum ankle. It was Michael Jordan playing game five with a hurricane of a flu. It was the Dolphins' physical trainer holding his breath through a five-minute Richie Incognito inner groin massage.

And if Rian's OKCupid performance was all those things, Douche Bag Ryan's was more like Bill Buckner missing an easy grounder to win the World Series.

Douche Bag Ryan gets all his sex education from PornHub.

And...

You're talking to an idiot, that's what's wrong.

The results were about as surprising as Snoop Dogg's drug test. Douche Bag Ryan went zero for seven.

With Rian in the lead, it all comes down to the third and final round.

It's Tinder time.

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Ryan Pfeffer is Miami New Times’ music editor. After earning a BS in editing, writing, and media from Florida State University, Ryan joined the New Times staff in November 2013 as a web editor, where he coined the phrase "pee-tweet" (to retweet someone while urinating). Born and raised in Fort Lauderdale, he’s now neck-deep in bass and booty in the 305.
Contact: Ryan Pfeffer