Only In S.Fla Wknd Post: The Zombie Rapist Cop And Elvis' Jet Control Problem | The Daily Pulp | South Florida | Broward Palm Beach New Times | The Leading Independent News Source in Broward-Palm Beach, Florida

Only In S.Fla Wknd Post: The Zombie Rapist Cop And Elvis' Jet Control Problem

Davie Police Officer Stephen Kenneth Olenchak stands accused of drugging his wife and a teenaged girl so he could then rape the girl while his wife was zonked out. The happens after the they all watched Big Love on HBO (this is impossible to make up).

It's sort of like he was directing his own porn take-off of Night of the Living Dead, only without any trace of the brains part

. And he's all mad in the mug shot, like he's the one who got drowsy and mute before being raped from behind (as the Miami Herald put it). A little of that might be in his future if he's convicted, though. If there's one thing worse than being a child-rapist in prison, it's being a child-rapist who also happens to be a cop.  

Olenchak's not nearly as pretty Latin singer Elvis Crespo. But Elvis had his own bad week when he was caught masturbating on a flight from Houston to Miami. After the incident, the Pulp obtained a song, or poem actually, that Elvis wrote about the experience. He hopes it will make people understand his rather disgusting compulsion. I frankly find it childish and don't think it will help his cause at all, but the text follows after the jump, along with a some Crespo music to help it come alive.



The pilots power up the engines

Until they start to scream.

The jet speeds down the runway

Like a racer's dream.

The clouds outside the window

Make it look like rain.

I got a crazy idea,

I'm gonna masturbate on this plane.


When we get liftoff,

My stomach rises to my throat.

The craft just keeps going skyward

Until it seems to float.

I reach down to unbuckle the seatbelt

And realize the itch hasn't waned.

There's no doubt about it

I'm gonna masturbate on this plane


People are everywhere 

In the aisles and the seats.

There's a real hot-looking woman

In headphones next to me.

I know I shouldn't do it,

This is all a crying shame.

But damn I'm already at it,

I'm masturbating on this plane!


This blanket's not really hiding it, 

Everyone probably thinks I'm a jerk.   

Even the woman with the headphones

Looks a little irked.

But it feels so good seven miles high,

I see no reason for any blame.

I'm not hurting anyone,

I'm just masturbating on a plane.


The flight attendant wheels up her cart

And tells me it's a sin.

I just ask her to make sure

She leaves a good napkin.

You see I have fine manners,

I would never leave a stain.

I'm a good man, a singing star, 

And I just masturbated on a plane. 


After we land in Miami,

The police have a lot of gall.

They ask me if I groped myself, 

I say I don't recall.

Now the whole world's talking about it,

The Internet's a big huge pain.

You'd think it was an international incident, 

But it was only masturbating on a plane.

KEEP NEW TIMES BROWARD-PALM BEACH FREE... Since we started New Times Broward-Palm Beach, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of South Florida, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Journalist Bob Norman has been raking the muck of South Florida for the past 25 years. His work has led to criminal cases against corrupt politicians, the ouster of bad judges from the bench, and has garnered dozens of state, regional, and national awards.
Contact: Bob Norman

Latest Stories