Broward News

Palm Beach Rabbi Invents Religious Divide, May Be Aiding Island's Sharks

A Palm Beach rabbi tells ABC News that the Bernie Madoff controversy "gives red meat to anti-Semites" and has caused a religious divide on the island. Rabbi Michael Resnick's comments not only fueled this online story but also a follow-up 20/20 report tonight on the town's Holy Land-type division.

Now before you start loading up the RPGs and helping to defend the sacred ground of Royal Palm Way, I should probably say that Rabbi Michael Resnick is an a-hole. Because two pages into the story he reveals the source of his feelings about the Palm Beach divide:

"I think in certain circles there was probably some people saying good, they got what they deserved."

So it appears the good rabbi has fueled a nationally televised show about a phenomenon that doesn't exist based on WHAT HE THINKS PEOPLE ARE PROBABLY THINKING! Either that, or Rabbi Michael Resnick has figured out a way to read minds of non-Jews. If that's the case, rabbi, I'm sorry for what I just thought about you being a complete douche nozzle.

After the jump, are Palm Beach sharks after the island's Jews?

Sharks Target Swimmers, Can't Read Minds -- Yet

To answer my previous question: Yes, sharks are after Palm Beach Jews, but yeah, they're also after everybody else too. Lemon sharks have been circling off the shores, so life guards had to shut down the beaches. The town's life guard supervisor warns swimmers to stay near lifeguard stands because:

"The sharks don't know where the guarded beach ends."

So for the record, sharks cannot detect life guard stands, but Rabbi Michael Resnick can read minds. Let's just pray to our various gods that they don't join forces.

Puppy Store Needs New Douche Nozzle Owner

Palm Beach Puppy Boutique is looking for a new owner. For just $135,000, you can buy a store that sells Yorkiepoos and Schnauzerfucks and not any of those mangy pound dogs who will, you know, die if you don't adopt them. Now I was going to be nice here and not crack on the Palm Beach Puppy Boutique, but, hell, Rabbi Michael Resnick has probably already read my mind. So I'll just say to the owners and shoppers of Palm Beach Puppy Boutique, you should totally go swimming today. Don't worry about those fins.

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Eric Barton
Contact: Eric Barton