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| Humor |

"Pop-Tart Gun" Bill Allows Kids to Play With Fake Firearms in Florida Schools

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In the late innings of the legislative session, your elected government representatives were a busy hive of activity. One of the bills that passed is another National Rifle Association liberty defense that makes it illegal for kids to be punished for playing with imaginary firearms in school. YEAH, GUNS!

This bill is pretty much a middle finger to every school's zero-tolerance policy, like the one at the Maryland school that suspended an 8-year-old in March 2013 after he chewed his Pop-Tart into the shape of a gun. Of course, no one seems to be addressing what kind of future sociopath would gnaw his food into weaponry -- instead the NRA awarded this kid a lifetime membership. (Kidding!)

Under the new Florida legislation, chewing your food into a weapon or brandishing your finger like a six-shooter -- these aren't threatening or inappropriate gestures for school --- no, see, they're opinions about the Second Amendment. So says the bill:

Simulating a firearm or weapon while playing or wearing clothing or accessories that depict a firearm or weapon or express an opinion regarding a right guaranteed by the Second Amendment to the United States Constitution is not grounds for disciplinary action or referral to the criminal justice or juvenile justice system.

Among the items that are protected as opinion under the legislation:

1. Food chewed into shape of a gun (specifically "partially consumed pastry")

2. Toy guns less than two inches in length.

3. Toy guns jerry-rigged together from Legos or other blocks.

4. A finger gun.

5. "Vocalizing" a firearm, i.e. "bang! bang! bang!"

6. A picture of a firearm.

7. A writing utensil brandished as a gun.

Kids are just going to be kids! And play with make-believe guns! But honestly, if this bill does spell out anything, it's just how sick and twisted the NRA is. After all the school shootings we've had in this country, you'd think one thing we could all agree on is keeping firearms out of the classroom -- particularly something as simple as kids fucking around with imaginary ones. But no. It's A SECOND AMENDMENT ISSUE, PAL. LET LITTLE JOHNNY PULL THAT FAKE TRIGGER.

That misses the whole point. With kids, it's all about habituating them. You let them build a Lego Glock and point it at classmates, they're going to lose that jolt an actual firearm in the hand hits you with. Desensitized, firearms become just another plaything. And, if anything, Floridians know how that ends up.



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