Republican Primary Quiz: Whom Should You Vote For?

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In case you were not aware, Florida's Republican primary is tomorrow, at which time thousands of Florida Republicans will emerge to support somebody and give the media a fresh narrative to invent and take into the upcoming caucuses. But it's perfectly natural to feel a little anxiety when it comes time to pull that magic lever or punch that card or lick that stamp or however it is you choose to vote.

Relax -- we're here to help, and we've developed a handy quiz to aid you in deciding which of the fine candidates to vote for come Tuesday. Instructions for calculating your results are at the end.

1. How much money would you prefer the president to have?
A) At least twice as much as the previous eight presidents combined.
B) Enough to pay $300,000 in ethics violation penalties.
 As much as he could rake in with consulting fees after being voted out of the Senate -- so, a lot.
D) Doesn't matter, so long as he's got it all secured in gold.

2. What's your stance on sexual intercourse?
A) It should only happen between a man and his wife.
B) It should only happen between a man and other people's wives.
C) Sex is icky.
D) None of your goddamned business.

3. Whom would you prefer the president to have resembled as a young man?
C) McLovin 

4. Which alternative definition would you prefer the president's name to have?
A) A thing you use to catch a baseball.
B) A cute little lizard that breeds in the water.
C) "A sex act that would make his big, white teeth fall out of his big, empty head."
D) Ron Paul

5. Should the federal government legalize gay marriage?
A) No
B) No
C) No
D) No

Calculating your results and what they mean:

You answered majority 'A': You're a Mitt Romney voter. You're a sucker for a nice smile and hair that blows in the breeze, just like 43 percent of Florida Republicans.

You answered majority 'B': You're going for Newt Gingrich. Seeing a president who's made so very many gross moves would make you feel better about your own transgressions.

You answered majority 'C': That'd be Rick Santorum, because anyone who doesn't look and act like you is really freaky and probably shouldn't be allowed to go outside and stuff.

You answered majority 'D': You're a Ron Paul supporter. You've watched some of the debates and think he manages to make good points while still being adorable.

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