Ryan Tannehill Sets NFL Record as Dolphins Crush Houston

Whoa, what a time to be alive!

The Miami Dolphins came out on Sunday, ripped J.J. Watt's arm out of its socket, and proceeded to beat the crap out of the entire Houston Texans franchise over and over with it. The result was a 44-26 massacre and the Dolphins suddenly looking like an actual professional football team and not like a sack of old-lady farts. The first half of Sunday's game at Sun Life is everything Dolphins fans have been longing for and more: a fun, competitive team that obliterates its opponent in the face with Brian Hoyer's corpse over and over again. And in the rain, no less. Which is so South Florida.

And so the Dolphins suddenly find themselves at 3-3 and feeling good about themselves with four days to prepare for the undefeated New England Patriots in what is sure to be an epic showdown Thursday night.

But before we get ahead of ourselves, let's bask in the glory of this Victory Monday by looking at  four things we learned from Sunday's slaughter:

1. Ryan Tannehill Has Yet Again Earned the Right to Have You STFU About Him (for Now, at Least)

There is probably no quarterback more scrutinized in the NFL more than our very own Captain Vanilla Balls, Ryan Tannehill. But something funny happens whenever his offensive line blocks for him and his receivers' hands don't suddenly morph into garden shovels. He actually looks good. Like, really good. And on Sunday, Tannehill proved just how good by setting the NFL record for most consecutive passes completed. Tannehill connected with his receivers 25 times in a row. That's quite a feat given how just three weeks ago, Tannehill was running for his life because his offensive line was made up of Mike Pouncey and some peanut brittle. 

In the end, Tannehill finished with a ridiculous 18-of-19, 282 yards, and four touchdowns. So save your slander against Captain Vanilla Balls. You just look stupid when you do.

2. The Defensive Front Four Is Quietly Bringing the Ruckus

In the past two weeks, we've seen what we thought we were going to see before the season started when it came to Miami's defensive line. And maybe Joe Philbin's old-man musk shriveled away any intensity these guys may have had. And maybe Dan Campbell has brought them back to life. Or maybe it's because the Dolphins have played against some awful offensive lines lately. Whatever it is, the front four has been a complete nightmare for opposing quarterbacks and running backs, and it's been a glorious spectacle to behold.

Ndamukong Suh, who is just a man who eats gravel and scrap metal with a spoon and then eats the spoon and then craps metal shavings that are eventually collected to make wrecking balls and then eats the wrecking balls and then murders offensive linemen, completely dominated the line of scrimmage practically on his own on Sunday. He recorded his first two sacks of the season, batted down passes like Godzilla smacking down airplanes, and blew through his blockers like an angry grizzly bear who just had someone say something rude about his mama.

Houston quarterback Brian Hoyer was devoured like that fat guy in Jurassic World, spit out, and devoured again. Cameron Wake also recorded two sacks, while the defense was able to bottle up Houtson's running game.

We don't know where this defensive line has been, but we're glad it's showing up and stepping inside opponents' assholes just in time. 

The defense kicked so much ass on Sunday, the Texans didn't record their first yard of offense until the game was already 35-0. That's bananas.

VICTORY SPEECH!!Go inside our locker room after Coach Campbell's first home win.

Posted by Miami Dolphins on Sunday, October 25, 2015

3. Danticles Is Metaphysical

Two games in and Dolphins players are not only coming together like a murderous Voltron looking for vengeance; they're swearing that Dan Campbell is the real deal. And they want Stephen Ross to remove the "interim" from Campbell's title.

“It’s the best half of football I’ve ever been a part of in my life,” Jarvis Landry said after the game.

"We’ve just been having fun, competing,” Lamar Miller said. “All it comes down to is you just have to have fun.”

Other players are singing Danticles' praises too. And they're buying into what he's selling the team. Even when he gets all Deepak Chopra on their asses and says things like the other team drops passes because they felt the Dolphins' energy.

Dan Campbell can say whatever he wants. Because he's Dan Campbell.

Dan Campbell doesn't do pushups. He pushes the down the Earth.

4. Lamar Miller is FAST

Now that Joe Philbin is no longer around, dipping his balls into the soft-serve ice cream of fun, we can see what Lamar Miller can do when he is unleashed. Miller carried the ball 14 times for 175 yards and an 85-yard touchdown. He split defenders like a loose cannon, and once he got past arm tackles and guys bouncing off him, Lamar turned on the afterburners, leaving the entire Houston defense in his wake. Miller was told he'd get more carries under Campbell, and so far that's been the case. And so far, we're still hearing the sonic booms of his running. 

5. So What? So Let's Dance! 

It's Victory Monday!

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Chris Joseph
Contact: Chris Joseph