The season of consumerism is upon us (just kidding; we don't have seasons in Florida), and the Pembroke Lakes Mall has a few new tricks up its sleeve -- several of which may or may not end up in a class-action lawsuit.
In honor of the season, we present four ways to wring every last bit of anguish from the mall's new list of promotions.
1. Encourage crazed, fitful shopping on Black Friday
The mall is giving away a $10 gift card to early-bird shoppers, and "mall ambassadors" will distribute "first aid kits for those aching feet" and "portable lint rollers," among other goodies, according to a news release sent Friday from the mall.
Why would you need a portable lint roller? Because, dear shopper, you will be bringing your shedding, allergenic pets to the mall this year. Behold:
2. Turn the mall into an actual zoo
On Monday evenings at Pembroke Lakes, "Proud pet owners and their furry, four-legged friends are invited to capture a holiday-hugging photograph with Old St. Nick." Sitting around in a red suit just got even more humiliating, with the addition of cat dander and dog drool.
3. Enforce subservient gender roles on Mrs. Claus
In this recession, more couples than ever find both partners going back to work. To deal with the enormous lines to see Santa, Pembroke Lakes shoppers will be greeted by Mrs. Claus on their way to her husband's lap. "Her cheerful charm will entertain Santa's biggest fans anxiously waiting to share their holiday wishes."
4. Create a "brand new Santa experience"
Behold: "Through the use of technology, 'Santa's Toy Works' turns the line to see Santa into the attraction by featuring interactive toy assembly stations."
Santa's toy works? At his age? Hopefully not while he's got kids on his lap.