Screw the Manatees! Boaters: Steer Clear of Supreme Court Justice | The Daily Pulp | South Florida | Broward Palm Beach New Times | The Leading Independent News Source in Broward-Palm Beach, Florida

Broward News

Screw the Manatees! Boaters: Steer Clear of Supreme Court Justice

Watch out, boaters. There are plenty of signs like the one to the left, warning you about those adorable manatees, who have a way of wrapping their fat asses around boat propellers. But if you're cruising near the Fort Lauderdale shore you may be faced with a choice between hitting a manatee on the left and an elderly man on your right. In that instance, for God's sake, steer left! Otherwise you just might assassinate Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens.

USA Today reports that the 89-year-old Stevens is a snowbird, moving from Washington, D.C., to his Fort Lauderdale Beach home every November. Every morning, he embarks on a swim in the Atlantic.

I had no idea Stevens was a local -- hell, maybe he's reading this very blog. If so, click the jump, JP. We need to talk about swimmer safety.

Now that we know that you're a swimmer in Fort Lauderdale Beach, can you help us to avoid hitting you with our boats? A few ideas for how we can distinguish you from more expendable swimmers:

  • By wearing your trademark bow tie while swimming. So what if you like a Chippendale? You'll make some new friends near Sebastian Beach.
  • By wearing a swimsuit befitting the year you were born (1920), like the one pictured to the right.
  • By wearing a black swimcap with the name "Stevens" in white print, just like Olympic swimmers.
Actually, that last one reminds me: Did you ever get my note about sewing your surnames into the back of your Supreme Court robes, a la NFL teams? Sotomayor's down for it. Scalia's game, too, but he wants his to say "He Hate Me."

KEEP NEW TIMES BROWARD-PALM BEACH FREE... Since we started New Times Broward-Palm Beach, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of South Florida, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Thomas Francis

Latest Stories