Seven Best Things Giancarlo Stanton Said at His News Conference (With Videos of His Monster Dongs)

The Miami Marlins and Giancarlo Stanton made their mega 13-year, $325 million contract official on Wednesday with an afternoon news conference that featured former and current Marlins players and a crapload of fanfare.

It's obvious the Marlins are pushing a "new era" kind of situation here, and by giving their star player the richest contract in pro sports history, that's certainly a start.

Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria was, of course, on hand as well and called Stanton a "unique player whose natural gifts and talent are unparalleled in this sport."

The 25-year-old Stanton, who is coming off an NL MVP-caliber season by leading the league in home runs (37) and slugging percentage (.555) while ranking second in RBIs with 105, said all the right things to the gaggle of reporters.

Here now are the seven most important things he said as he just became richer than God (bottom line, he wants to win), accompanied by some of his most massive dongs:

See also: Giancarlo Stanton Signs the Biggest Contract in Pro Sports History

KEEP NEW TIMES BROWARD-PALM BEACH FREE... Since we started New Times Broward-Palm Beach, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of South Florida, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Chris Joseph
Contact: Chris Joseph