Today is a very special day for FSU fans. No, Tim Tebow still won't eat those poison apples we keep sending him, but tonight the Seminoles face Auburn for the national title. And if you couldn't tell by the way we reacted to Jameis Winston's trial, nothing is more important to us than football.
I spent four years at Florida State, and during that time I learned a lot about the fans of my university. So I can say, without a doubt, that every FSU fan will do these seven things tonight.
1. Tomahawk Chop You know that thing you always see us do at football games? The air-chopping motion that looks like an early draft of the Nazi Salute?
"I don't know, Günther. It just seems so linear."
Well, that thing is called the Tomahawk Chop, and it's what we do to let everyone know that we're proud fans of the Seminoles (the football team, not the actual tribe of people who find the gesture terribly offensive).
Keep your head on a swivel or you'll end up with a black eye.
2. Rub It In In your face Gators/Hurricanes/Alabama/Mom! None of that losing we did for the past 15 years matters now, because we're on top!
We're like that friend who used to come to your house and play Mario Kart. It doesn't matter that we lost 20 straight races; the minute we finish first, you're going to get a controller thrown at your head because we're the best and you're a LOSER!
See also: 18 Reasons Why Gators Fans Are the Worst
3. Shots! Bartenders, beware; you will be pouring a lot of shots tonight.
Every touchdown the Noles score: Shots! Every field goal the Noles make: Shots! Every time Jameis Winston forms a sentence that almost makes sense: Shots!
4. Cry Tallahassee will have a lot of half-nude marketing majors stumbling around with mascara running down their cheeks. I don't care if they are tears of victory or tears of defeat. You still look like a wet raccoon.
5. Vomit It could be because of excitement, disappointment, alcohol, or the chef at Buffalo Wild Wings just not paying attention, but there will be vomiting tonight.
Don't worry, though; we're pros. Every FSU freshman has to take Intro to Getting It All In the Toilet. (Advanced Getting It All In the Toilet is harder than it sounds and taught by FSU alum Burt Reynolds.)
6. Make Statuses You're not a Seminole fan unless you let people know via social media. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, it doesn't matter. But you're not allowed to turn on the game until you have at least five likes.
7. Attack Someone With a Machete! We have a saying at Florida State: Win or lose, fuck you; eat my machete!
It's like drinking after a big test. Whether you bomb it or ace it, after it's over you need to blow off some steam. So if you plan on being around Seminole fans tonight, wear sneakers and be ready to sprint when the clock hits 00:00.
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