The big game is almost here, and so are all those annoying people you invited to your party out of cordiality. If you're smart, you've procrastinated sending out those invitations as long as possible. And your procrastination has paid off, because I'm going to help you weed all the duds out of your party.
Here are the six people you most definitely do not want to invite to your Super Bowl party.
1. The "I just watch for the commercials" person. Why don't you tell us one more time how your favorite part is the commercials? You know what my favorite part of the night is? When you leave!
Oh, you read Adweek and you were a marketing major? Impressive. Why don't you analyze the Go Daddy commercial we just saw. I'm curious about the subtext behind 30 seconds of slow-motion boobs.
2. The person who talks during the commercials I know I just insulted the commercial guy, but he has a point. I do love those things. Talking animals and celebrity cameos make me forget about all the people who are dying in Syria!
So shut up! Now I have to re-watch them all tomorrow on Youtube because you couldn't stop pointing out every celebrity in the Pepsi commercial.
Ooo look, it's Beyonce! Ooo look, it's Justin Timberlake!
Ooo look, it's my fist heading right for your temple!
3. The double dipper This mother trucker was absent on the day we learned about germs, and now he's treating the dip like his personal property. Do you think Barbra spent $8 on organic avocados just so you can give everyone herpes?
Did I just see you do a quintuple dip? Is there even any chip left or are you just licking your fingers at this point? You're an animal! And when you're in your apartment all alone during the Winter Olympics, wondering why you weren't invited to Deb and Henry's male figure skating viewing party, I want you to think back to this moment. You make me sick. No, literally. You got me sick.
4. The analyst. Please shut up! I don't care that teams who wore a certain color socks have only won the Super Bowl 13% of time. Just because you had an internship at ESPN for two months doesn't give you the right to talk over Erin Andrews.
If you know so much about football then why did you lose to everyone in your fantasy league? (Even your buddy's girlfriend who was only participating to try and salvage their dying relationship). I have eyes. And they tell me more about the game than you ever can.
5. The "I hope they both lose" guy. First of all, it's impossible for both teams to lose, you moron. This isn't that silly European football. I'm sorry your precious little team got eliminated in the playoffs, but I think they'll be OK.
They made more money in that game than you'll make in a decade. Stop trash talking and watch the game. I'm pretty sure you're not going to hurt Peyton Manning's feelings by yelling at a plasma TV in a hummus stained shirt from Old Navy.
6. Richie Incognito Don't do it. I know he's going through a tough time and Pete says he's really a nice guy, but, trust me, don't do it. By the 3rd quarter you're going to have three holes in your wall and an empty refrigerator.
And you know he's going to get drunk and bring up Katherine's divorce and she can just not handle that right now. If this idiot can't control himself in a steamy room full of naked linebackers, I doubt he'll get his act together for a nice soirée with some business casual 40-somethings.
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