Gov. Rick Scott. Hi. Hello. How are you? We see that you've been busy hosting a summit in Orlando of several potential GOP presidential candidates today. Neat!
This summit includes some all-stars in the world of being ridiculously shady and dubious. Marco Rubio, Jeb Bush, Scott Walker, Chris Christie, Mike Huckabee, Rick Perry. Woof! That's like an Algonquin Round Table of dudes who hate the poor and the gays. Nicely done.
But come on. We know that this summit was all about you. This was your time to shine and show America that you're the actual GOP candidate they should be focusing on. And while there have been rumors that you might run for Senate next year, we're here to tell you — nay, PLEAD with you — to please consider running for the highest office in all the land instead.
Run for president, Rick. It's pretty awesome, we imagine.
Here are six reasons why you should definitely consider throwing your bald cap into the run for 2016:
6. You'll Get the Chance at Blowing Up Obamacare Once and for All, Maybe, Unless It'll Hurt Your Chances to Be Reelected
You hate Obamacare. You hate it so much that you made up some bad math to avoid expanding it. You hate it so much, you sued the president over it. Although, let's admit, you've been hot and cold for Obamacare throughout your time as governor. In 2012, you said that expanding Medicare wouldn’t be good for anyone in Florida. Them a year later, you changed your mind, saying: “I cannot, in good conscience, deny Floridians the needed access to health care.” Then you got reelected and now, you want to get rid of it again. This kind of yo-yoing for political points is exactly what being president is all about!
5. You Can Expand That Voter Suppression
You love suppressing people's votes. You love it almost as much as you hate Obamacare and poor people. More, even. Throughout your first term, you took on a mostly arbitrary voter purge after state officials sent local elections supervisors a list of 182,000 possible noncitizen voters, which actually turned out to be just 198 possible noncitizen voters. Meh 182 thousand — 192. Same diff, right? AND, of those 198, a whopping 38 of them had cast a vote illegally. THIS WAS AN OUTRAGE. But you didn't stop there, voter purge crusader that you are. In 2013, you had Secretary of State Ken Detzner send a certified letter to anyone flagged as a potential noncitizen. A flagged person would have to show proof of citizenship to remain on the voting rolls through a "due-process system that includes letters and legal notices," even though there had been minimal evidence of voter fraud in the state. But what's evidence and truth? That's never stopped you before! And, shit, ignoring evidence and truth is what some two-term presidencies have been built on!
4. You Can SCREW THE POOR!
In 2012, the U.S. Labor Department investigated you after complaints from unemployed Floridians who argued that your altruistic labyrinthine-like gauntlet to receive unemployment compensation was one giant pain in the ass. Applicants complained that they had to fill out a 45-question "skills review" and an online-only application, plus fill out forms through snail mail and then wait on hold for hours and hours before hearing an automated service that makes them press a bunch of buttons so it can tell them to keep holding, all in order to receive aid. This ranked Florida last in the U.S. at getting unemployed people the help they need. In the end, only 16 percent of unemployed Floridians are getting help via your application rules. Then there was the time you tried to get welfare recipients to undergo random drug tests because, poor people do drugs, OBVZ. And, of course, there's the Obamacare thing, which, once eliminated, will screw over a bunch of people who couldn't otherwise afford health care. The possibilities are ENDLESS.
3. You'll Have a Chance at Ruining the Environment on a NATIONAL Scale
You don't believe climate change is man-made, because you're not a scientist so, pfft. And since this kind of thinking has led you to recklessly ruin Florida's environment while making friends with FPL, telling officials to not use the term "climate change," and pissing all over the Everglades, you can do the same on a national scale. Think about it. As president, you'll have the entire national parks service at your disposal. There's Yellowstone and Yosemite. Oh my gawww so many parks and natural resources to completely take a wrecking ball to! IT'S LIKE A DREAM!
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2. You Can Get Everyone Guns
Guns are awesome, right? And no other governor has passed more gun-friendly laws than you. Guns at schools! Guns at grocery stores! Guns in movie theaters! Guns in pants! Guns across America!
1. It's Totally OK to Be a Shady, No-Good Liar
As president, you basically lie for a living. And totally get away with it! That's so you. You, sir, are a master, legendary for invoking the Fifth Amendment as if he were told you would be paid a million dollars every time you did so. Your shady history with Medicare fraud and has been a master class of eluding questions that might otherwise nail you. Also, you've lied about your use of your government email for private use and have never been known as a guy who is straightforward and honest. This is the job for you!