In case you weren't aware, Hurricane Season just kicked off Sunday. That's right. It's that time of year again. And hopefully you're all stocked up on batteries and cans of tuna.
But no, Hurricane Season is complete without the local weather stations and storm centers and storm teams telling us about the disturbances forming in the Atlantic that will soon be the bringer of our eventual destruction.
Some weather stations tell us the forecast, while others go all out in ratcheting up the panic and making it sound like the wrath of God is upon us.
So, to get us started on Hurricane Season, we present to you the South Florida Weather Channel Coverage Panic Ratings:
7. WFOR 4 (Miami) Craig Setzer is the chief meteorologist for WFOR, and he handles his shit real smooth like. He's so chill, the national CBS Evening News makes him its go-to guy for all its hurricane info. And he never fails to deliver a concise, professional breakdown of events, without sounding like a crazy person. Then there's Lisette Gonzalez, who is also pretty chill and also very easy on the eyes. But mostly, easy on the eyes.
Hurricane Panic Rating: Soooo chill... we'll be fine... grab a beer, kick back, and ride it out, bro.
6. WPEC 12 (West Palm Beach) The folks at WPEC have been around long enough to know that hurricanes come and hurricanes go. And when they come, they usually hit Miami so ha. ha. ha. But really, if you want concise forecasting without the terror in the voice, WPEC 12 is the station for you. These weather people are so chill during hurricanes, they may as well give you the forecast with cocktails in their hands. Kind of like if Mad Men were based on weather people instead of ad people.
Hurricane Panic Rating: We like our hurricane coverage like we like our alcoholic beverages: smooth and cold and any time of day.
5. WTVJ 6 (Miami) The WTVJ weather team is led by veteran meteorologist John Morales. It also has state-of-the art 3-D simulators to show you exactly what's going on deep within a hurricane, because apparently, that's superimportant to you. They're pros and thorough with their reporting, which means their delivery can be a tad intense, even though they don't mean to sound like alarmists. WTVJ is the weather station your noncrazy aunt watches. Just enough information to be too much information, but not enough to scare the bejesus out of you.
Hurricane Panic Rating: MY VOICE IS REALLY INTENSE, BUT I DO NOT MEAN TO ALARM YOU. THIS IS MY REPORTER VOICE, AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOWER THE VOLUME.
4. WPBF 24 (West Palm Beach) Mike Lyons is WPBF's severe weather expert (official title!), and he takes his job damned seriously. Like a skinny Wilford Brimley without the mustache (and he probably doesn't pronounce diabetes "diabeetuss"), Lyons can be a little hyperbolic, but that's only because you need to put down the damned texting machine and pay attention.
Hurricane Panic Rating: MY VOICE IS REALLY INTENSE, BUT THAT'S BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T LISTEN YOU'RE GONNA STEP INTO A PUDDLE WITH A DOWNED WIRE LIKE THE IDIOT THAT YOU ARE.
3. WPLG 10 (Miami) WPLG is a mixed bag of alarm and calm. The folks at WPLG have Max Mayfield, which automatically means they're gonna be cool with their reporting. But still, they manage to keep it a little intense while trying not to scare you but doing so anyway. At least they have Betty Davis who can pretty much tell us about the weather any time at all. ;)
Hurricane Panic Rating: I don't mean to alarm you but... If I were you, I'd be shitting my pants.strong>
2. WPTV 5 (West Palm Beach) Any hurricane forecast that begins with clips of past hurricanes wreaking havoc, flooding city blocks, and devastating street signs is bound to be loud and a little nutty. And West Palm Beach's WPTV delivers the goods. Chief meteorologist Steve Weagle has the voice, the hair, and the walk that commands attention and makes you pee your pants a little. He's here not only to warn you but to let you know that if you do not heed his specific warnings, you're going to get swept away to sea like the volleyball with a face in that Tom Hanks movie.
Hurricane Panic Rating: IGNORE ME AT YOUR OWN RISK, CHUCKLE HEAD.
1. WSVN 7 (Miami) No one, and we do mean no one, loves the impending danger of a hurricane even if said hurricane is literally weeks away from hitting anything like WSVN 7.
WSVN and its giant Newsplex excel in making even the slightest bit of news sound like oncoming apocalypse. And they love to yell at you and tell you how everything is going to be obliterated when the tropical storm hits our parts.
Seriously, look at that footage above. It's like a scene out of a Cormac McCarthy novel.
It's alarmist, it's exaggerated, and it's 100 percent entertaining.
Sure, if your nerves are easily frayed, maybe you shouldn't watch WSVN during hurricane coverage. But if you want a break from the mundane and need a little panic with your weather, tune in to the Newsplex and get ready to be thoroughly scared crapless about the oncoming storm.
In fact, they've already got a head start on the crazy, with Vivian Gonzalez getting on the Twitter on Sunday:
1st day of hurricane season and watching something in Gulf: http://t.co/81A0p6hJlB #weather #hurricane #stormstation pic.twitter.com/D2bK9x6Qlq
— Vivian Gonzalez (@VivianGonzalez7) June 1, 2014It's Day 1, and already they're circling things on the map that may lead to DEATH.
Of course, Vivian is easy on the eyes. So it all evens out.
Hurricane Panic Rating: ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US! LIGHT YOUR TORCHES, PUT ON TRIBAL FACE PAINT AND WHITTLE A CHAIR INTO A MAKESHIFT TRIDENT, FOR ALL OF MANKIND IS DOOMED!
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