Just about every entertainer fantasizes about delivering such a rant to inattentive audiences of ungrateful chit-chatters. But it was a half-pint Rod Stewart impersonator at the Wishing Well in Boca who finally had the guts to say it.
"What the hell do you have to talk about that's so important? Your stupid kids?" he continued indignantly as the people in the front (who were paying attention) shifted in their seats uncomfortably, the people in the back continued to gab, and my friend Kim and I looked at each other incredulously, still nearly deaf from the ear-blistering volume of the P.A.
His vocal impersonation (he'd just finished "The First Cut Is the Deepest") was dead-on, and his looks were a reasonable facsimile from the big nose and tousled blond hair to the white, open-shirt tuxedo ensemble paired with white jeans and red Converse high-tops but the chutzpah!
"Look, keep talking and you're gonna end up arguing and going home in separate cabs," he warned, and by this time, he had the whole pub's attention. "Or you can shut up, and by the end of the night, you'll end up looking deep into each other's eyes and say... 'That singer was a bit of an asshole!'"
The audience erupted into laughter. If it were a punk-rock show, beer bottles would have been flying before anyone got around to the punch line. But at a Hot Rod show, the audience is a little more, well, mature. Down in front by the Irish pub's namesake garden well, families of several generations watched the show. Some seemed to be enjoying themselves quite a bit on this Friday night.
A colorful woman of a certain age with eggplant-purple hair and a chartreuse shirt clambered out of her chair and swung her arm overhead as if she were a rodeo cowboy as she belted out the lyrics "This old heart of mine" along with her cheery blond friend of similar years. The two told me they are big fans of both the Rod Stewart as well as version 2.0. They frequently make the haul to Dania Beach to see Hot Rod's Wednesday show at the Field, and they've got tickets to see the original Rod in Madison Square Garden on Valentine's Day.
"So you're groupies?" I asked.
"Well, not yet," blond said laughing. "We're still working on groupie-ship."
Meanwhile, as Hot Rod was taking us through music history with song factoids and comedic banter with his band, I took a cue from the huge mirrored sign behind the bar and ordered a Bass ale. The waitress told me there was none.
"Sam Adams?" I asked, prompted by a similar sign on another wall.
Disappointed, I settled on a Yuengling and griped to Kim about the décor, which besides giving me false hope about my favorite suds felt more like a beer garden than an Irish pub, thanks to the silk-vined trellises that dominated the design scheme. No one else seemed to care, though.
"What's up, Hot Rod!?" exclaimed the silky-haired 20-something with silky, long, blond hair as she and her friends claimed the high-top next to ours.
The band launched into a version of "Will I See You Tonight?" while the new arrivals, FAU students and bar regulars, sang along and mimed the lyrics, having a shamelessly good time.
"We love Hot Rod," said one, a cute guy in a gray baseball cap. "Our parents listened to this stuff, so it's the stuff we listen to. It's like a karaoke hour with songs from the '50s, '60s, '70s, and '80s."
Well, he was close. Except that the show had been going on more than an hour already and there were songs from even further back in time like "The Way You Look Tonight," which near-Rod explained had been "getting people laid since 1924." Actually, it first appeared in a 1936 Fred Astaire film, Swing Time, and won the Oscar for best song, but who's counting? Now, however, he was singing "My Girl" as he stood atop a barstool with his tuxedo shirt gaping open, revealing his nipples. Between lyrics, he danced with his arms out and his hips wagging, as if he were drying his back with a towel.
Gratefully, we were distracted by a guy who fell on the stairs on his way up to the loft area to play pool. Kim began to complain that the scene including the girl whose bad bleach job and hair-sprayed style reminded her of Long Island circa 1983 offended her sensibilities.