You'll need to formulate a plan. The way to survive spring break 2016, and even flourish during it, is to systematically attack the beast in such a calculated fashion that you're never in any real danger of failing. Think of spring break as a hurricane — only your body is the land, and alcohol and bad decisions are the rain and wind.
You need supplies that will keep you from succumbing to the elements and items that will ensure you maximize your body's capacity for spring break absorption. Here are a few things that will make you a safe, upright, entertained, lucid, party-rocking machine:
Let's get the obvious stuff out of the way here — you're going to need protection... from the sun. The last thing you need is to burst out of the spring break gates like American Pharoah, only to spend the rest of your days holed up in a dark hotel room moaning, covered head-to-toe in aloe vera. Just as Dwyane Wade needs to take care of his body so he can make it through an entire NBA season, you need to take care of your epidermis so it can last an entire week on the beach. Those two things are exactly the same, pretty much.
9. Shot glasses
This is actually a safety precaution; I'll explain. Pouring liquor willy-nilly into the bottom of a red Solo cup, or heaven-forbid chugging directly from the bottle of
8. Silly, yet purposeful, hats
Pick anything that will keep out the sun and allow you to stand out from the pack. A sombrero is ideal because when you inevitably lose your drunk friends, you'll be easily identified in a crowd. Fifteen guys might be wearing sombreros, but that makes you one of 15 instead of one of 5,000. Captain's hats, catcher's masks, funnel contraptions — all of these will do.
7. Hipster sunglasses
Essential to any spring break kit is a pair of the most ridiculous neon-colored, party-rocking sunglasses you can find. Somewhere along the line, $2 bright Ray-Ban knockoffs became a thing, so you'd better make sure you have a pair. The best thing about these kinds of sunglasses is that you're going to lose them, but you're not going to care one bit. Because you have seven backups.
6. Tacky spring
To go with those hipster sunglasses, you're going to need the tackiest spring-break-themed shirt you can find. The more touristy the better. Nothing says "spring break' like one of those FBI: Female Body Inspector T-shirts. Bad apparel is like the Christmas tree of spring break.
5. NSFW cups and conversation pieces
For some reason, spring break brings out the childish side of all of us. Who are we kidding? The reason is: the alcohol. Once again, you must continue the tradition that so many have carried on before you by living up to and carrying the spring break torch, via boob cups and penis straws. It's a tough job, but with great power comes great responsibility.
4. Lots of water!
You know how they say: "Don't bring sand to the beach"? Well, you should always bring water. Chances are, the last thing you are thinking about right now is how to take care of your body. You're probably mapping out the the liquor stores closest to the area of the beach you're planning to ruin. Well, make sure when you're at said liquor store, you pick up a few gallons of water. Yes, they do sell water. Wait, do they sell water? Yeah, I'm not sure on that, so probably stop at Publix. Heatstroke is so unchill.
3. Towels. Lots and lots of towels.
You're going to need like 50 towels. Don't ask why; just trust us. Everything is going to be wet and dirty, so you're going to want to have more than that one hand towel you stole from your hotel. You have no idea what you might have to clean up. You really need to be prepared for anything — including a monsoon that strikes. You are in South Florida, after all.
Stop laughing; I'm serious. In between all the drinking, you're going to want to keep yourself entertained, and what better way to engage a crowd of young people that with bright, shiny balls? A simple soccer ball, volleyball, or football can be superclutch on the beach, and you can be the hero who remembered that there will be parts of the day when flip cup just isn't enough to keep you entertained.
1. Ways to distinguish your drink
Whatever it is you choose, make sure you have something that makes your cup identifiable. Nothing is worse than looking at a table and seeing 45 red Solo cups, all with various amounts of beer inside, and not knowing which one is yours. Find something that will let you easily identify your beverage, thus keeping you from drinking the cigarette-butt-filled beer can.
Keep New Times Broward-Palm Beach Free... Since we started New Times Broward-Palm Beach, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of South Florida, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering South Florida with no paywalls.