Fort Lauderdale is one of the most vibrant and dynamic cities in the world. It's the Venice of America. It's the yachting capital of the world. It's eco-friendly. Unfortunately, all those accolades don't always extend to its opinions.
This is a city that has a thriving downtown vibe and is known for its beaches. But all that is glitter is not always gold.
Here, then, are the ten most shameful things to confess to in Fort Lauderdale (save for, of course, some of the sillier laws against helping the homeless):
10. You've never actually owned a yacht Look. This is the yachting capital of the world. There's water everywhere. Traffic jams are measured by the time it takes a drawbridge to close up again. It's America's Venice. We have the biggest boat show in the U.S. And yet, you probably don't fall into the 2 percent of people who own a yacht. You've probably never even been on a yacht. But, whatever you do, don't admit this out loud. You're a Fort Lauderdalian, damn it. And you're all about that yacht life.
9. You're not entirely sure what all this homeless feeding ordinance business is all about OUTRAGE! SO MUCH OUTRAGE! WHY ARE ALL THE PEOPLE OUTRAGED? Yes, a 90-year-old man was cited for feeding the homeless. Yes, this is the biggest story going down in the city right now. No, it's not as simple as it seems. Might be good for you to brush up on why exactly Arnold Abbott has been getting into trouble with the cops and why the city suddenly isn't allowing him to feed the homeless.
8. You'd rather go club-hopping in South Beach Sure, there's Trapeze and Off the Hookah and the Art Bar. But you'd rather hit up LIV like all the other cool kids. Douche move? Oh hell yes. But you do it anyway and, of course, you never openly admit it.
7. You don't always recycle Fort Lauderdale is one of the greenest midsized cities in the U.S. The beaches are pristine, the parks clean, things are within walking distance, and recycling bins are everywhere.
Yet, there are those moments when you've got that plastic water bottle or cardboard box and either you missed the recycling truck or you're running late and the nearest bin is just a tad out of your way.
Would it kill you to walk an extra five feet to drop these things off in their appropriate bin? Yes. Yes, it would.
6. You had no idea the Strikers still existed Yup. They exist, and they're apparently pretty good.
In fact, the Strikers are playing for the championship this coming weekend. It's true!
So, yes, the Strikers still exist.
And no, Lockhart Stadium has not been abandoned and taken over by raccoons.
5. The closest you've been to the Everglades is Sawgrass Mills Yup. This is as close as you've ever been to an alligator. The Everglades is a beautiful wetland that has a vast array of animals and wildlife and marshes there to be explored and appreciated.
But you'd rather spend a Saturday lost in the miniature city-within-a-city known as Sawgrass Mills because they have a really big Banana Republic.
In fact, you didn't even know that sawgrass is an actual type of grass that grows in the Everglades, did you?
And instead of grabbing a map and taking in a wild adventure with airboat rides, you'd rather walk up to a map directory so you can figure out how far you are from the giant Burlington Coat Factory so you can buy that leather jacket you'll never wear because you live in fucking Florida. The answer is 3.4 miles, by the way.
4. You actually live in Weston The name "Weston" sounds cool. Like a town you see on family sitcoms. But in actuality, it's literally a large land of nothing. Weston is where the well-off live, yet it's also a place where people look at you as if you just rubbed your face in Ebola if you say you're from there. Tell people you're from Weston and they automatically assume you're either a complete dullard or you're conducting a social experiment to see how many people react to that by going, "Oh. Weston... They have nice.... Oh look at the time; I gotta go..."
So you lie and say you live in Fort Lauderdale instead.
3. You claim to be a Panthers fan but haven't attended a game since 2002 You're the first to complain when the media writes up about how awful attendance is at Panthers game. Yet you haven't been to a game since George W. Bush was president.
2. You secretly wish people in boats who make drawbridges go up would die in a fiery wreck Oh those drawbridges. THOSE FUCKING DRAWBRIDGES. Enough already with always being up! And how slow are some of these boats? The song says it's a three-hour tour, but that doesn't mean two and a half of them should be spent under an open drawbridge.
1. You didn't vote in the midterm elections Yup. The state was counting on you to show up to the polls. And yet it was well below the 50 percent average. Yup, instead of saving your state and doing your civic duty, you went to Chipotle and then ran home to catch yet another riveting episode of Big Bang Theory. And so, as a result, this dingaling is our governor again. Nice job.
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