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Ten Reasons the Florida Panthers Should Leave South Florida

Contrary to popular belief, the Florida Panthers are still a thing that exists in South Florida. Despite attendance bordering on bat-mitzvah levels, annual losses of $25 million to $30 million, and a total lack of local coverage or interest, the team continues to state that it plans on sticking out its lease, which runs for an additional 14 seasons past this year.

That's a mistake.

You really should leave South Florida, Panthers.

For lots of reasons.

The Panthers need to reach an agreement with the Broward County Commission, and both sides need to move on from what has never been a great relationship. Here are just a few reasons why.

See also: Ten Reasons the Dolphins Will Win the AFC East

1. The Panthers vastly overestimate just how many shits Broward County gives about them and their finances.

The Florida Panthers for some reason really think we care about how much money they are losing; they even broke it down by the day for some media outlets ($100,000/day). What they fail to realize is if anyone cared about them losing money, they would go to more games, therefore fixing the problem. Good luck getting money out of Broward County. This is the same county that laughed at people who said they should help the Dolphins with their stadium renovations. Suck it up, Panthers.

2. Yes, the Panthers have always sucked, but another town might actually appreciate their suck.

While South Florida has no interest in supporting a perennial loser, I have to imagine a town in Canada might be excited about just having an NHL team. The honeymoon would be nice for a young team, and the move would definitely improve the Panthers' finances, because let's face it -- they can't get much worse. Hey, we aren't using these hockey jeans; let's donate them to Goodwill so someone else can appreciate them.

3. No more Panthers games means more concerts, which wouldn't suck.

The Panthers actually make more money off concerts held in their arena than they do off themselves. I mean, holy shit. Let the Panthers take their happy asses to Nova Scotia and start filling the BB&T with lots and lots of events, mainly concerts. Concerts and events would make the county lots of money and actually promote the city of Sunrise, not just Florida in general.

4. South Florida sports fans already get enough shit; we don't need the Florida Panthers making it worse.

Between empty Marlins stadiums and late-arriving Miami Heat crowds, South Florida already gets enough shit from the rest of the nation when it comes to fandom. We don't need to give them extra ammunition with all these Panthers empty stadium pics. The Panthers are just feeding the narrative that South Florida is a crappy sports town. Thanks, Panthers, but we don't really need to feed that beast any more than we already do.

5. Sawgrass Mills keeps getting bigger, and soon will be its own town.

Have you been to Sawgrass Mills lately? Between the mall and the stores popping up in the surrounding parking lots, the area is one condo and Publix from basically being its own city. Yeah, it's inevitable Lord Sawgrass is going to invade you land, Panthers, so you might as well leave now, before we turn you into an El Dorado. For some reason, tourists flock to Sawgrass Mills right off the plane, like, they have luggage with them while shopping. I say we tear down the BB&T and build an airport and Holiday Inn Express, just to make it easier for them.

6. Florida Panther, or professional tennis player?

Tennis player! See? You have no idea who is on the team. Why are they here still? Also, I lied; that IS a Florida Panther. His name is Al Montoya. Weird hockey player name, right? Now you're totally confused. Is he or isn't he on the Panthers? Nobody knows! Exactly, bruh!

7. This is Yevgeny Kafelnikov; did he ever play for the Florida Panthers?

No. Because that would be pretty hard, considering he's a retired tennis player. Just because he has a Russian name that ends in "Kov" doesn't mean he played hockey. That's a terrible assumption on your part and shows just how little we know about hockey down here. What are we even doing? We shouldn't have an NHL team.

8. The Panthers play in Sunrise, and most of their fans live closer to the places above.

Seriously, how did anyone think giving South Florida an NHL team was a good idea? This is the oldest excuse in the book as to why nobody goes to certain South Florida sporting events, but it rings even more true when you are talking about A SPORT PLAYED ON FRIGGIN' ICE! Ice. South Florida. Not gonna happen.

9. People actually see a Florida Panther about as often as they go to a Florida Panthers game.

What a ridiculous mascot to pick, why not just be the Florida Big Foots? Nobody who lives in Florida ever sees a Florida Panther, which is awesome, because those things look like they would eat your face, no questions asked. Florida isn't known for its Panthers; at least the Marlins, Dolphins, and Heat make sense. Move to Canada and name yourself after something snow-related, Panthers.

10. So Jake Winderman, and people like him, will stop filling your social media feed with things like this.

You all know this guy, he totally loves the Florida Panthers and is always talking nonsense about Barkorov or some Panthers player you feel like he made up. This guy needs to stop, and the only way we can make him stop is if we reach into his sports heart and rip out the Florida Panthers. It's really not this guy's fault, and this isn't fair to him, but nonetheless, shits gotta go. Sorry, Jake.

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Ryan Yousefi is a freelance writer for Miami New Times, a lover of sports, and an expert consumer of craft beer and pho. Hanley Ramirez once stole a baseball from him and to this day still owes him $10.
Contact: Ryan Yousefi