Broward News

Ten Things You Shouldn't Do at Your Office Holiday Party

It's December, and you know what that means: lots of holiday parties. You know what else that means? Lots and lots of opportunities to completely embarrass yourself and erase everything you worked so hard for this entire year. Merry Christmas, everyone!

Holiday parties are not created equal. Some are a complete sham, put together only out of tradition or for show. IT'S A TRAP! Here are some things you should avoid doing at your office holiday party this year.

10. Do not attempt to talk to your boss about work, no matter how much he or she tries to engage you in work-related discussions.

Talking to your boss about work at the holiday party is never a good idea, so just skip it; you're there to have a good time, not talk about how you can save the company money on office supplies. Chances are, you're drinking and you might say something you'll regret later, so steer clear of all conversations about the workplace.

9. Do not hook up with a coworker at the holiday party, unless you want to hate your life eventually.

Are you serious?! I know this one is hard, but you have to be strong; the future of you and his/her sanity depends on it. Listen, we get it: It's hard to resist a coworker who is obviously into you, but you have to think about the big picture here. Would you date your neighbor? No! This is basically the same thing, except your neighbor comes over to your house every day and hangs out from 9 to 5; that's torture when things go south, and they eventually will.

8. Under no circumstance is there to be a dance battle -- you 'll end up regretting it.

I know you have that liquid confidence running strong throughout your body, and the holidays got your swag "turnt up." But don't become the subject of your coworkers' next viral Vine; it's not worth it. I'm not saying don't have yourself a good time, but if you let it all loose, don't be surprised if all your coworkers are crowded around an IPhone on Monday laughing at you.

7. Don't be that guy; don't drink so much that you pass out.

You may be sensing a theme here. All these things you shouldn't do are related to not being embarrassed when you eventually go back to work with these people: getting too drunk, puking, then passing out is near the top of the embarrassing-as-shit scale. Sip, don't gulp, damn it -- drink to have fun, not get smashed. Remember, these aren't your college buddies here; these are your coworkers -- you never know who might take joy in posting you laying in your own puke on Facebook.

6. Don't bring your friend who is always "that guy" to the party.

If there is any question as to whether your friend is capable of not embarrassing you for three hours, leave him at home; this is your job. The only thing tougher than keeping yourself in check at a holiday party is babysitting your drunken, nothing-to-lose friend at one; go solo, or bring a date. If you're even wondering, then yes, he is that guy.

5. Under no circumstances are you to give an inappropriate "Secret Santa" gift.

Don't be a jackass. Not everyone at your holiday party is going to think wrapping a six-foot blowup doll with your face attached to it is hilarious; don't make everyone uncomfortable. The last thing you need is dirty "creeper" looks the rest of the year, so don't put that on yourself. Secret Santa is easy; just get a Starbucks gift certificate and be done with it -- don't try to be creative for under $20.

4. No talk about religion or politics; this isn't the time or the place.

You're going to find yourself standing in semicircles discussing who-knows-what, but under no circumstances should you ever bring up religion or politics; it just never ends well, and it puts a damper on things. This is a party for fun and celebration; nobody wants to know how you would conquer ISIS or why you think Obama has failed us right now. Keep it light: Bring up how ridiculous Miley Cryus looked at Art Basel or something else you can all laugh about.

3. Behave yourself in photos, because Facebook, that's why.

No motions in or around your mouth in the holiday photos, and get off your knees -- that's not funny; your grandma might see these on Facebook! Just take a nice photo so people can share it later on their social media accounts -- that's all this is, dude. If you haven't figured this out by now, this entire thing is about Facebook, all of it. You think that coworker chick dressed up like hot Santa for you? Hahahaha, you probably think the strippers fall in love with you too. This is about her photos, don't ruin it, butthead.

2. No bashing coworkers at the holiday party; stop being such a Kardashian and go have some fun.

Don't bring your negativity all up in the fun zone this year; no talking shop at the party. Everyone hates that person at the office; no need to talk about it when everyone is trying to have a good time. This year keep it positive. Hell, tell everyone what a great job they do and what a pleasure it is to work with them. I think you'll find out that goes much further than coworker bashing does, and your life might be easier at the work place once you've made a few more friends.

1. Don't no-show; that's lame as shit.

This one is easy: Just go. If you can't go, don't bullshit about it; just say you can't go. Don't show up Monday morning with this lame thing that happened with your car and how you had this thing happen to your aunt and your dog ate a bag of pot; nope, be upfront about it. If you don't want to go, just say so, don't be a weirdo.

KEEP NEW TIMES BROWARD-PALM BEACH FREE... Since we started New Times Broward-Palm Beach, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of South Florida, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Ryan Yousefi is a freelance writer for Miami New Times, a lover of sports, and an expert consumer of craft beer and pho. Hanley Ramirez once stole a baseball from him and to this day still owes him $10.
Contact: Ryan Yousefi