Late last week, the gang over at Gawker channeled a vitriol that's distinct to New York: subway hate. Well, here in South Florida, we may not have any subways, but we sure as hell have a lot of hate.
And most of it is home to I-95 -- where everything good and holy in the universe comes to die.
Here are the worst offenders.
11. The driver who speeds up, then slows down, then speeds up, and slows down. We hate you. Here's what you do: You catapult your Audi/Bentley/Mercedes/BMW past us on the right, then, less than 300 yards later, you slam on the brakes. Then, you move over into our lane. And repeat this same futile act. You think you'll somehow get ahead of us in this mire? You think you've devised a new way that will allow you to progress faster than the rest of us? Fuck you. You're dumb. We hate you.
10. The driver who cuts you off and has tinted windows. You're likely in a suped-up Honda, barreling into our lane, going way too fast. You narrowly miss us EVERY TIME. So, naturally, we get pissed. We speed up, pull our car even with yours, because more than anything on this Earth, we just want to see your face. See what you look like. Burn that image into our mind so we can adequately hate you forever.
But we find that your windows are tinted black. And we cannot see you. And we hate you even more, because you're like the trolls on the internet who infuriate everyone behind a veil of anonymity. You're a terrible person.
9. The driver who somehow thinks every wrong is absolved by waving his or her hand. Whoops!" you seem to say at us. "Didn't see you there! Almost clipped you while we're going 80 on the expressway, triggering a ten-car collision and killing scores of people! My bad!" Then you you raise your hand by means of apology. And we think: "That's OK; we totally forgive you. (Idiot.)"
8. The driver who moves over five lanes in one mile because he or she has to get off RIGHT NOW. This is South Florida. There's another exit in two minutes. Just get off there. It's going to be OK. Promise.
7. The driver texting. Listen, sweetheart. I know you can't wait another moment to dispatch another soliloquy of OMGz and que pena and "she was throwing back tequilas como una pata sucia" -- but just stop. STOP. There's a new law about this. It says, Idiots of Florida: You can no longer text while driving at speeds that can kill everyone.
6. This guy:
5. The driver who's a cop and going faster than everyone. What the fuck? What nether world is this? YOU'RE A POLICE OFFICER. Some early mornings, all we see zipping past doing 95 is some black-and-white blur and the words "City of Opa-Locka" or "Pembroke Pines." And we definitely don't see flashing reds and blues. Someone really should look into this. Oh, wait, someone already did. South Florida cops: To serve, protect, and break the sound barrier.
4. The driver switching lanes all the time. Just fucking pick one. Please, for everyone's sake. No matter what lane you chose, the traffic will not disappear.
3. The driver who flashes his brights at you for reasons unclear. Que? Why are you doing that? What are you trying to communicate? Did Little Timmy fall into the well again? WHAT IS IT? Ooohh, you just want us to go faster. Guess what, fool? We can't. You know why? THIS IS I-95.
2. The driver who has mattresses/chairs/bed frames/two-by-fours/other ubiquitous items strapped to their roof. Psssst. Here's a hint: IT'S CALLED A UHAUL TRUCK. You can reach them at this number: 954-525-4125. And no, you can't latch your couch to the back of your Kia.
1. Whoever owns this car.
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