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The Cocky Heat Fan's Guide to Why the Miami Heat Will Repeat as NBA Champions

The NBA season kicks off tonight when the Miami Heat hosts the Boston Celtics. But before that, the Heat players will be receiving their championship rings and unveiling their 2011-12 NBA Finals Champions big-ass banner that will hang in the rafters at the American Airlines Arena like a giant pair of testicles tea-bagging all of America.

And here's the better news: What's to stop the Heat from doing it again this year? Aside from a major injury to one of the Big Three, the answer is NOTHING. More to the point, the answer is NOTHING, MOTHERFUCKERS.

Because the Heat is the best basketball team on the planet. And while there are many reasons why they'll repeat this year, we want you to be ready to answer the haterz when they ask for specifics.

So here's the Top Seven reasons why the Heat will repeat.

Why seven? Because NOT ONE, NOT TWO, NOT THREE, NOT FOUR, NOT FIVE...

7. Because Jesus Shuttlesworth Saves!
The douche must have been unbearable in Boston for Ray Allen to accept less money and a minimized role to come play for the Heat. The Boston Celtics organization is filled with so much douche, one of its all-time greatest players couldn't wait to get the fuck out of there. They have a douchebag general manager, douchebag fans, and they have three of the biggest douchebags in the NBA in Kevin Garnett, Rajon Rondo, and Paul Pierce. So. Much. DOUCHE. Ray Allen, who has always been a classy dude, clearly didn't fit in with the rest of the douchery. So it's only fitting that he would come to a nondouche team, where he can spend his time kicking douche ass.

6. Because the Eastern Conference Is a Bucket of Piss
Forget the Western Conference for a second and consider the first obstacle the Heat must overcome to get back to the finals: the conference in which they dominated last season. The Celtics will be there in the end, because douche is hard to kill. But by the time the playoffs roll around, everyone on the roster will resemble one of those old skeletons Indiana Jones always unearths when he's looking for the Ark. The Bulls? Yes, Derrick Rose is a fine player. He never smiles, and he's so goddamned humble. But he's coming off a major knee injury. Also, LeBron James jumped over one of their players last year. Who does that leave? Indiana? They're a feisty bunch, but LeBron can swat them with his penis and it's all over.

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Chris Joseph
Contact: Chris Joseph

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