The Dolphins Kick the Dumbest Onsides Kick In the History of Onsides Kicks, Choke Against the Broncos

The Dolphins Kick the Dumbest Onsides Kick In the History of Onsides Kicks, Choke Against the Broncos

The Dolphins nearly pulled it off. Nearly were able to take down the juggernaut Denver Broncos in their own stadium. Nearly put themselves in the thick of the AFC race. Nearly gave the fans the most meaningful win in several seasons.

And then they totally Dolphin'd and ended up dropping another heart-wrecker as Peyton Manning threw four touchdowns en route to a 39-36 win.

Now the Dolphins find themselves 6-5 with the playoff window narrowing and their postseason dreams fading fast. And while the offense put up 36 points, it wasn't enough, as the usual potent defense crumbled and faded.

Here are six things we learned from the loss:

1. The Team Is 6-5, and That Seems About Right For all the strides this Dolphins team has made this year -- and there have been some big ones -- the Fins are simply not quite there when it comes to teams ready to make a run. Losses to teams like the Packers and Broncos and, to some extent, the Lions, proves that while Miami has made some major improvements in getting out of the dank dark hole of suck, they're still not ready to be discussed in the same sentence as Teams That Are Super Bowl Contenders.

The Dolphins are what their record says -- a team on the brink of getting away from mediocrity. And not much else. Sure winning makes you feel like an invincible, unstoppable rebel force. But when it comes down to it, the Dolphins are ultimately flawed and very middle-of-the-pack. And all those tingly feelings we felt after beating the Bills and shutting out the Chargers was nothing but hope fucking with us.

It's like a drug, hope. It's addictive, and it makes us stupid.

Essentially being a Dolphins fan makes us, at first, all:

But in the end, we end up all:

Stupid hope. Go die in a fire, hope. LEAVE US BE.

2. Ryan Tannehill Has Balls

Vanilla Thunder came to wreck some mile-high ass and played a nearly flawless game, throwing for 228 yards and three touchdowns against the Broncos' D. Tannehill ended the game with a 104.9 passer rating, as he led the offense to an explosion of points the likes of which made Dolphins fans everywhere ask, "We can score as many touchdowns as we want? THAT'S ALLOWED??"

Sure he still tends to rip a brain fart here and there -- such as holding on to the football too long or locking in on one receiver. But Tannehill continues to show he's not only resilient but knows how to take a hit. Week after week, we've seen Tannehill survive the kind of hits that would make normal men's assholes fall out. But Tannehill takes the hits, gets back up, and throws darts to receivers who catch the ball and then immediately fall down.

If the defense had just been able to hold the Broncos in check, we'd all be talking about Ryan Tannehill and his amazing ability to plow through defenses. Instead, his big day has been swallowed up by Dolphin incompetence. We had our doubts about Tannehill as the future franchise quarterback for this team. But he's making us believers.

3. The Pass Rush Was a Giant Wet Fart

The strength of this team all season long has been the front seven's ability to freight-train through offensive lines, get to the opposing quarterback, walk inside his asshole, and spray paint


. But on Sunday, the pass rush was all but invisible. Manning was sacked once all game, and that was basically because he decided to lie down on the floor rather than risk throwing an interception. Cameron Wake was impotent all game, while Jared Odrick suffered an injury and Olivier Vernon was swallowed up by the pass protection.

Manning had all the time in the world to throw, which is just not what you want when you're up against that magnificent, gargantuan-foreheaded, record-breaking bastard.

Of all the quarterbacks to rush and sack, Manning was the guy you wanted to rattle. Instead, he threw four touchdowns and no interceptions.

4. Juice Has a Bright Future (He Just Needs to Stop Screwing Up)

Rookie wide receiver Jarvis Landry had himself yet another solid outing, catching seven receptions for 50 yards and two touchdowns. The man they call Juice was once again the catalyst for a powerful offensive attack that even had Mike Wallace catching touchdowns and Brian Hartline converting third downs without immediately falling down.

Landry is clearly showing he's not only the most gifted of the Dolphins receivers but a force to be reckoned with week in and week out.

Of course, he failed to haul in a key Tannehill pass in the closing minutes that led to the game-sealing overtime, bringing down utter ruin to a game Miami had in the bag, not to mention crushing the spirit of every Dolphins fan out there hoping for a season-defining victory. But other than that, yeah, good game by Juice.

The Dolphins Kick the Dumbest Onsides Kick In the History of Onsides Kicks, Choke Against the Broncos

5. The Defense Couldn't Tackle Anybody The Dolphins defense apparently decided to go for a pregame roll around a vat of KY Jelly before kickoff, because holy crap, all of the missed tackles. They made some guy called C.J. Anderson look like Walter Payton. Anderson ran 167 for yards and a score, while Emmanuel Sanders utterly decimated the pass defense for a whopping 125 yards receiving.

The argument could be made that had the Fins just tackled dudes at first impact, this game would have ended a lot differently. Instead, missed tackle after missed tackle gave Denver's offense life until they stuck a spear right into everyone's hopes for an upset.

6. The Dolphins Kicked the Dumbest Onsides Kick In the History of Onsides Kicks

Presented without comment:

Maybe next time we should just let Jarvis Landry do it:

Send your story tips to the author, Chris Joseph. Follow Chris Joseph on Twitter

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


All-access pass to the top stories, events and offers around town.

  • Top Stories


All-access pass to top stories, events and offers around town.

Sign Up >

No Thanks!

Remind Me Later >