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The Eight Most Basic Places in Broward County

Broward is a basic bitch's wet dream. Also known as white-girl paradise, it's where hipsterdom and pretension are left at the county line. Here you can find a strip club in a strip mall and endless chains of chain restaurants. For the most part, instead of pop-up shops, there are places like the Anne Taylor Factory Store. Rather than food trucks serving artisanal grilled cheeses on brioche, there are entire Cheesecake Factories.

See also: The Six Worst Places in Broward

And although we've just made it sound like a suburban mom's heaven on Earth, Broward's also a place where shutter shades graze many a sunburned face and the Smirnoff Ice flows like slightly alcoholic water. It is, after all, sometimes abbreviated to BroCo for a reason.

Basicness knows no age or gender boundaries.

So to celebrate the spirit of the non-Miami portion of South Florida, we've compiled a list of the eight most basic places in Broward. Whether you enjoy them ironically or not is up to you. Any guru will admit that you'll have thoughts when meditating but will instruct you to not engage them. Similarly, you might have thoughts about all these places, but it's better to experience them mindlessly.

8. Bahama Breeze at Sawgrass Mills Dulce de Leche Cheesecake! Who could forget that Bahamian classic? This is the Darden cousin who just bought a copy of Legend at Target. Come visit him to grab a basic-ass meal before shopping for basic-ass shit at JCPenney. Just don't spill any jerk sauce on your Arizona Jean Co. T-shirt. Your mom paid $15 for that. Runner-up: Weston Town Center

7. Capone's Himmarshee is home to the alkaline trio of bars. And if you need to slow down from bodyshots at any point in your bar crawl, you can walk to America's Backyard and get a PBR from a vending machine. Thank you, basic-god. Runner-up: Off the Hookah

6. Johnny's Strip Club Are you gay? Calcium-deficient?? Come to Milk Mondays at Broward's most food-oriented party. To be clear: This is a weekly event characterized by shirtless men with milk cascading over their rippling muscles. Milk is actually basic. Like, in terms of pH. So. Runner-up: Solid Gold

5. YOLO on Las Olas As far as names are concerned, this is basically T.G.I. Friday's updated to reference an acronym people actually use today. Except this place is full of expensive food that's served by wait staff who will emphatically tell you that the restaurant existed years before Drake even came up with "that song." And pretend to not know what you're asking for when you try to order a "drizzy" instead of a drink. And threaten to call security if you don't leave. Whatever, Drake. We see you. Runner-up: Blue Martini

4. Cafe Iguana Pines This is the number-one place in Broward where "crazy" memories are born. By which we mean, Cafe Iguana Pines is where you can dance in a circle with your extremely typical friends as 99 JAMZ plays the same three Drake songs on repeat. Runner-up: Sam's Club in Coral Springs

3. Crocs Store Gallery at Beach Place Have you ever seen an entire family wearing Crocs? :shudders: Runner-up: Fat Tuesday

2. I-595 The expressway to West Broward AKA all cities basic. Runner-up: Sunrise Boulevard

1. Vizcaya Plaza Starbucks in Plantation If you drink a pumpkin spice latte here while wearing Ugg boots, the world will actually spin off of its axis. We'll all die. Your call, girl who's wearing a North Face jacket, even though it's 85 degrees out. Our fate is in your hands. Runner-up: Claires in Sheridan Plaza

Send your story tips to the author, Allie Conti.

Follow Allie Conti on Twitter: @allie_conti

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Allie Conti was a fellow at Miami New Times and a staff writer for New Times Broward-Palm Beach, where her writing won awards from the Florida Press Club and the Society of Professional Journalists. She's now the senior staff writer at Vice and a contributor to the New York Times, New York Magazine, and the Atlantic.

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