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The Nine South Florida Guys Who'll Actually Message You on OkCupid

With Valentine's Day coming Friday, let us warn you:The OkCupid dream is even more fictional than the American dream. Opening an account sounds great -- it's free, all your friends have one, and you have nothing to lose. At first, you trust those personality questions will compute into some top-secret love-finding algorithm that will find South Florida's best bachelors -- the ones who were too busy helping old ladies cross the street to frequent the same bars you do.

After enough time signed on at 3 a.m. you'll meet these nine South Florida guys that lurk the dark depths of this website. You'll smile at every message notification you get...until you cry at how infinitely pathetic your life has become. You might not have had a Valentine's date before you signed up on this lousy website, but at least back then you had your innocence and a semblance of dignity.

See also: One Man, Two Ridiculous Fake Profiles, and Three Online Dating Sites: Can You Get a Valentine's Date Online?

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Jess Swanson is a staff writer at New Times. Born and raised in Miami, she graduated from the University of Miami’s School of Communication and wrote briefly for the student newspaper until realizing her true calling: pissing off fraternity brothers by reporting about their parties on her crime blog. Especially gifted in jumping rope and solving Rubik’s cubes, she also holds the title for longest stint as an unpaid intern in New Times history. She left the Magic City for New York to earn her master’s degree from Columbia University School of Journalism, where she spent a year profiling circumcised men who were trying to regrow their foreskins for a story that ultimately won the John Horgan Award for Critical Science Journalism. Terrified by pizza rats and arctic temperatures, she quickly returned to her natural habitat.
Contact: Jess Swanson