With Valentine's Day coming Friday, let us warn you:The OkCupid dream is even more fictional than the American dream. Opening an account sounds great -- it's free, all your friends have one, and you have nothing to lose. At first, you trust those personality questions will compute into some top-secret love-finding algorithm that will find South Florida's best bachelors -- the ones who were too busy helping old ladies cross the street to frequent the same bars you do.
After enough time signed on at 3 a.m. you'll meet these nine South Florida guys that lurk the dark depths of this website. You'll smile at every message notification you get...until you cry at how infinitely pathetic your life has become. You might not have had a Valentine's date before you signed up on this lousy website, but at least back then you had your innocence and a semblance of dignity.
9. The Half-Naked Selfie Taker He has a face only a mother could love, but he doesn't know it. The more ugly the man, the more skin revealed in that tacky bathroom mirror flash pic. He'll send you disgusting messages, call you seXXXi3, and keep messaging you even though you've never responded to him and are too scared to click his profile in the first place. When you do accidentally click it (and you will one night after a few glasses of Moscato) you'll realize he was that tubby kid who was on your bus route to school. From the looks of it, he started going to the gym sometime after puberty. You hardly recognized him. You block him anyways.
8. The Ironic Hipster He'll use obscure keyboard symbols like "~*" and "$$$$$$$" and write only in lowercase. You can tell he has really good taste from the two sections he could be bothered filling out. Even though he's too cool for the other four, all that talk about pizza and Wes Anderson films makes your heart race in nervous anticipation every second that passes since you messaged him back about your mutual love of bacon. Even though you can't tell how he looks like with those Ray Bans covering half his face, you're optimistic because he quoted David Foster Wallace. He'll ultimately stand you up on your date because he was stoned when he messaged you and forgot he's in a complicated polygamous relationship.
