The Nine South Florida Guys Who'll Actually Message You on OkCupid

With Valentine's Day coming Friday, let us warn you:The OkCupid dream is even more fictional than the American dream. Opening an account sounds great -- it's free, all your friends have one, and you have nothing to lose. At first, you trust those personality questions will compute into some top-secret love-finding algorithm that will find South Florida's best bachelors -- the ones who were too busy helping old ladies cross the street to frequent the same bars you do.

After enough time signed on at 3 a.m. you'll meet these nine South Florida guys that lurk the dark depths of this website. You'll smile at every message notification you get...until you cry at how infinitely pathetic your life has become. You might not have had a Valentine's date before you signed up on this lousy website, but at least back then you had your innocence and a semblance of dignity.

See also: One Man, Two Ridiculous Fake Profiles, and Three Online Dating Sites: Can You Get a Valentine's Date Online?

9. The Half-Naked Selfie Taker He has a face only a mother could love, but he doesn't know it. The more ugly the man, the more skin revealed in that tacky bathroom mirror flash pic. He'll send you disgusting messages, call you seXXXi3, and keep messaging you even though you've never responded to him and are too scared to click his profile in the first place. When you do accidentally click it (and you will one night after a few glasses of Moscato) you'll realize he was that tubby kid who was on your bus route to school. From the looks of it, he started going to the gym sometime after puberty. You hardly recognized him. You block him anyways.

8. The Ironic Hipster He'll use obscure keyboard symbols like "~*" and "$$$$$$$" and write only in lowercase. You can tell he has really good taste from the two sections he could be bothered filling out. Even though he's too cool for the other four, all that talk about pizza and Wes Anderson films makes your heart race in nervous anticipation every second that passes since you messaged him back about your mutual love of bacon. Even though you can't tell how he looks like with those Ray Bans covering half his face, you're optimistic because he quoted David Foster Wallace. He'll ultimately stand you up on your date because he was stoned when he messaged you and forgot he's in a complicated polygamous relationship.

7. The Philosophical Bro He might be wearing a pastel-colored bro tank, salmon shorts, and boat shoes in his photos, but he has a photo with the Grand Canyon and a profound caption. According to his self-summary, he loves long walks on the beach and gazing at the night sky. You'd think he was going through an existential crisis by looking at his "I spend a lot of time thinking about" section, but then you realize he misquoted Socrates and spelled Nietzsche wrong. No one has time for that.

6. The Photo-Less Cupid He will try to overcompensate for his lack of photos with seemingly cool interests and endearing profile-specific messages. His face is in none of his photos (back-of-head and zoomed-in-eyeball guy, I'm talking to you!) or he doesn't have a photo at all. You wonder if he's in the CIA or just ugly. He'll try to woo you with his words but this is the 21st century after all, and you'll stop replying once you realize this is a Lifetime movie in the making. He'll make an obscure reference about that time he saw Frank Sinatra live and he'll admit that he's old enough to get a shout out on a Smucker's jar. He has grandchildren your age.

5. The Immature Cyber Geek In high school, he was the kid whose name you never learned, but whenever you needed an extra sheet of loose-leaf, he was there for you. Those four years of adolescent tomfoolery, held always at his expense, changed him. Sure, he didn't wind up with a scholarship to an Ivy, an incredibly successful career as a plastic surgeon, and an emerald green Bugatti like every romantic comedy would lead you to believe, but that isn't going to stop him from acting like he should have. Granted, he's still in community college, playing too much World of Warcraft, and bussing tables at Chuck E. Cheese, but you'll catch the Star Trek allusion in his username and go along messaging him hoping he might actually pick you up in that emerald green Bugatti one day. He'll stop talking to once he figures out you don't actually know C++.

4. The Guy You Recognize You met him once when you were out, but it was dark, loud, and you were really drunk. You can't remember his name, and he surely doesn't remember you. At all. But when you came across his profile, he seemed vaguely familiar. He clicked your profile, you clicked back, and then you were in a vicious cycle of click-tag -- but he never made the first-move message because he couldn't fight the eerie feeling that you were a spiteful one-night stand whose name he couldn't remember, or his second cousin once removed. You guys traverse the same local barscape and after enough Taco Tuesdays, you'll start to recognize each other and he'll break the awkward silence with a simple "hi." You'll roll your eyes and go back home to re-read your messages with Cyber Geek.

3. The New Guy on the Block He's new in town. That's the only reason he's on this stupid, degrading website. He's not looking to meet the next love of his life or a slam piece; he wants to meet people he can go out and eat pizza with at the end of the night. He's like a puppy dog wagging its tail at all the beaches and nightlife South Florida has to offer. He still uses his turn signals and waves at his neighbors. The humidity doesn't bother him yet. Today, he'll suggest going to some tourist trap bar on Fort Lauderdale Beach, but after eight weeks, he'll be just as depressed as the rest of us.

2. The Pseudo Feminist He wants to be the Prince Charming to your Disney princess dreams. He tells you he understands women. That he has sisters and is close to his mom. He thinks treating a woman right is buying her dinner and expensive jewelry. He'll always open the door for you. He thinks because he wants a relationship, he is different form the rest. He says he wants to wait six dates until having sex. Then you throw in the towel in because you don't have time for six dates. No one on OkCupid has time for six dates.

1. Then there are people like this trolling whatever remains of your trust on the internet. It's bleak out there.

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Jess Swanson is a staff writer at New Times. Born and raised in Miami, she graduated from the University of Miami’s School of Communication and wrote briefly for the student newspaper until realizing her true calling: pissing off fraternity brothers by reporting about their parties on her crime blog. Especially gifted in jumping rope and solving Rubik’s cubes, she also holds the title for longest stint as an unpaid intern in New Times history. She left the Magic City for New York to earn her master’s degree from Columbia University School of Journalism, where she spent a year profiling circumcised men who were trying to regrow their foreskins for a story that ultimately won the John Horgan Award for Critical Science Journalism. Terrified by pizza rats and arctic temperatures, she quickly returned to her natural habitat.
Contact: Jess Swanson