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The Nine South Florida Guys Who'll Actually Message You on OkCupid

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9. The Half-Naked Selfie Taker He has a face only a mother could love, but he doesn't know it. The more ugly the man, the more skin revealed in that tacky bathroom mirror flash pic. He'll send you disgusting messages, call you seXXXi3, and keep messaging you even though you've never responded to him and are too scared to click his profile in the first place. When you do accidentally click it (and you will one night after a few glasses of Moscato) you'll realize he was that tubby kid who was on your bus route to school. From the looks of it, he started going to the gym sometime after puberty. You hardly recognized him. You block him anyways.

8. The Ironic Hipster He'll use obscure keyboard symbols like "~*" and "$$$$$$$" and write only in lowercase. You can tell he has really good taste from the two sections he could be bothered filling out. Even though he's too cool for the other four, all that talk about pizza and Wes Anderson films makes your heart race in nervous anticipation every second that passes since you messaged him back about your mutual love of bacon. Even though you can't tell how he looks like with those Ray Bans covering half his face, you're optimistic because he quoted David Foster Wallace. He'll ultimately stand you up on your date because he was stoned when he messaged you and forgot he's in a complicated polygamous relationship.

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Jess Swanson is a staff writer at New Times. Born and raised in Miami, she graduated from the University of Miami’s School of Communication and wrote briefly for the student newspaper until realizing her true calling: pissing off fraternity brothers by reporting about their parties on her crime blog. Especially gifted in jumping rope and solving Rubik’s cubes, she also holds the title for longest stint as an unpaid intern in New Times history. She left the Magic City for New York to earn her master’s degree from Columbia University School of Journalism, where she spent a year profiling circumcised men who were trying to regrow their foreskins for a story that ultimately won the John Horgan Award for Critical Science Journalism. Terrified by pizza rats and arctic temperatures, she quickly returned to her natural habitat.
Contact: Jess Swanson