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The Nine South Florida Guys Who'll Actually Message You on OkCupid

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7. The Philosophical Bro He might be wearing a pastel-colored bro tank, salmon shorts, and boat shoes in his photos, but he has a photo with the Grand Canyon and a profound caption. According to his self-summary, he loves long walks on the beach and gazing at the night sky. You'd think he was going through an existential crisis by looking at his "I spend a lot of time thinking about" section, but then you realize he misquoted Socrates and spelled Nietzsche wrong. No one has time for that.

6. The Photo-Less Cupid He will try to overcompensate for his lack of photos with seemingly cool interests and endearing profile-specific messages. His face is in none of his photos (back-of-head and zoomed-in-eyeball guy, I'm talking to you!) or he doesn't have a photo at all. You wonder if he's in the CIA or just ugly. He'll try to woo you with his words but this is the 21st century after all, and you'll stop replying once you realize this is a Lifetime movie in the making. He'll make an obscure reference about that time he saw Frank Sinatra live and he'll admit that he's old enough to get a shout out on a Smucker's jar. He has grandchildren your age.

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Jess Swanson is a staff writer at New Times. Born and raised in Miami, she graduated from the University of Miami’s School of Communication and wrote briefly for the student newspaper until realizing her true calling: pissing off fraternity brothers by reporting about their parties on her crime blog. Especially gifted in jumping rope and solving Rubik’s cubes, she also holds the title for longest stint as an unpaid intern in New Times history. She left the Magic City for New York to earn her master’s degree from Columbia University School of Journalism, where she spent a year profiling circumcised men who were trying to regrow their foreskins for a story that ultimately won the John Horgan Award for Critical Science Journalism. Terrified by pizza rats and arctic temperatures, she quickly returned to her natural habitat.
Contact: Jess Swanson