The Nine South Florida Guys Who'll Actually Message You on OkCupid

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5. The Immature Cyber Geek In high school, he was the kid whose name you never learned, but whenever you needed an extra sheet of loose-leaf, he was there for you. Those four years of adolescent tomfoolery, held always at his expense, changed him. Sure, he didn't wind up with a scholarship to an Ivy, an incredibly successful career as a plastic surgeon, and an emerald green Bugatti like every romantic comedy would lead you to believe, but that isn't going to stop him from acting like he should have. Granted, he's still in community college, playing too much World of Warcraft, and bussing tables at Chuck E. Cheese, but you'll catch the Star Trek allusion in his username and go along messaging him hoping he might actually pick you up in that emerald green Bugatti one day. He'll stop talking to once he figures out you don't actually know C++.

4. The Guy You Recognize You met him once when you were out, but it was dark, loud, and you were really drunk. You can't remember his name, and he surely doesn't remember you. At all. But when you came across his profile, he seemed vaguely familiar. He clicked your profile, you clicked back, and then you were in a vicious cycle of click-tag -- but he never made the first-move message because he couldn't fight the eerie feeling that you were a spiteful one-night stand whose name he couldn't remember, or his second cousin once removed. You guys traverse the same local barscape and after enough Taco Tuesdays, you'll start to recognize each other and he'll break the awkward silence with a simple "hi." You'll roll your eyes and go back home to re-read your messages with Cyber Geek.

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Jess Swanson is a staff writer at New Times. Born and raised in Miami, she graduated from the University of Miami’s School of Communication and wrote briefly for the student newspaper until realizing her true calling: pissing off fraternity brothers by reporting about their parties on her crime blog. Especially gifted in jumping rope and solving Rubik’s cubes, she also holds the title for longest stint as an unpaid intern in New Times history. She left the Magic City for New York to earn her master’s degree from Columbia University School of Journalism, where she spent a year profiling circumcised men who were trying to regrow their foreskins for a story that ultimately won the John Horgan Award for Critical Science Journalism. Terrified by pizza rats and arctic temperatures, she quickly returned to her natural habitat.
Contact: Jess Swanson