Ah, Florida.
Sure, we have criminals, just like every other state.
But we have our own special kind of criminals. Namely, dumb ones.
And, because we're never in short supply of dumb criminals, we present to you our latest series of the dumbest Florida criminals of the month.
February was a special kind of dumb for Florida criminals.
So sit back, relax, and enjoy the stupid!
6.) The guy who started a fire at his apartment complex after being told to stop masturbating in front of his windows
A Tampa man was told by managers of the apartment complex he lived in to please stop masturbating in front of his windows for all to see.
So he set his apartment on fire, damaging the complex and leaving four other residents homeless.
It's not clear if the man set the fire because he was embarrassed about being called out for diddling himself in front of his fellow residents or if this was his way of stopping it altogether.
Tampa Fire Rescue officials arrived at the complex around 10 p.m. and found smoke billowing from the second-floor unit. The complex was evacuated, and no injuries were reported. It took about 20 minutes to put out the blaze, but plenty of fire and smoke damage had already been done.
According to fire officials, the fire was set in the bedroom and the kitchen inside the man's unit using flammable liquids spread around deliberately.
The man told police he set the fire to get back at the complex's management after they told him to stop masturbating in front of his open apartment windows and front door, according to police.
5.) The people who had an illegal fish, a weed plant, hundreds of grams of meth, and two frozen alligators
Polk County police executed a search warrant on a home of three where they found 278 grams of methamphetamine strewn about the house. They found two grams of meth in a bag on the bedroom floor, like a discarded pair of dirty socks.
They also found a potted marijuana plant.
In addition to all the drugs, cops found a black bass in the house. The bass was reportedly too small by Florida Fish and Wildlife Commission standards.
There was also apparently a pair of frozen alligators found in the home, according to the report. One of the arrested men admitted to not having permits for any of the animals -- frozen or otherwise.
One of the suspects told police they had planned to have the alligators stuffed, because a house with babies and drugs just isn't complete without -- not one but two -- stuffed alligators to spruce up the place.
4.) The granny who tried to smuggle her grandson out of the country in the trunk of her car
According to Gulf Breeze Police, 74-year-old Kay Brady had concocted a plan with her grandson, Nicolas Logan, 28, to get him out of dodge by stuffing him into the trunk of her car and driving him to a boat in Fort Walton Beach.
Logan crawled into the trunk of Brady's Honda on Tuesday afternoon, and the two were off.
But, cops received a tip about the great escape and were able to locate the Honda on the road.
Police say Brady appeared to be speaking with someone in the backseat of the car as she was driving. When they noticed she was talking with no one, they knew something was up.
Brady also happened to be speeding at the time, which didn't help matters.
The cops puller her over and asked her if anyone was in the trunk. Brady told them there wasn't.
The officers then asked for permission to search the trunk. She agreed to it. And there they found Logan, crawled up inside and wrapped in a blanket.
3.) The guy who murdered a guy over a chicken foot
Police say 52-year-old James Jugo admitted to them that he beat up his roommate, 56-year-old Benjamin Calderon, after the two had an argument about the chicken foot at their home at 8722 N. 48th St. on Friday.
According to police, Calderon had been cooking food and became angry when Jugo took the chicken foot from the frying pan.
The two men fought over the supposed stolen chicken foot, and the argument eventually came up again later in the day.
That's when Jugo says he beat Calderon, though it's unclear if the man died immediately from his wounds.
2.) The guy who slathered a puppy with hot sauce
According to a Sarasota Police report, a Dachshund/Chihuahua mix named Gizmo was having a seizure and began making yelping sounds.
Apparently, little Gizmo's seizure noises annoyed a man to the point that he thought the only logical way to calm the animal down and help it was to pour the worst possible thing you can find in your kitchen cupboards.
The man allegedly grabbed Gizmo and slathered the dog's fur and body in the condiment, police say.
1.) The guy who got out of his car to push down an old man
According to a report, John McNally was driving south on Real Plaza in Mizner Park on Sunday around 2:30 p.m. when it all happened. He pulled his Lexus SUV (obviously, it was a Lexus SUV. Only dudes trying too hard to front baller status but without the real money for a top-dollar car would do something like this) to a stop at the crosswalk.
Leonard Shubitz, 70, was trying to walk through the roadway. The driver failed to "respect" the crosswalk, according a witness. The older individual seemed not to have liked how precipitously McNasty pulled up. He yelled at the driver and put his hand on the ever-precious Lexus for balance.
Big mistake. You don't lay hands on John McNally's faux-luxury chariot. He hit the brakes, jumped out, and allegedly told the walker, "Don't touch my car!" The 43-year-old then allegedly pushed Shubitz down with two hands. And then, like all good men just trying to protect their property, family, and purchase of the American dream, he jumped back in the Lexus and sped off.
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