With the passing of another year comes those requisite year-end lists. The top records of the year, as discerned by some fresh-out-of-college kid in his parents' basement, or the year's best books culled by a puffed-up out-of-touch critic high-browing life in his Upper West Side apartment. Blah blah blah. Come on, who really cares? Honestly, when was the last time you've gleaned insight from one of these ineffectual self-aggrandizing year-end tallies? This writer sure hasn't.
Besides, by the time most of these lists come out, we've moved on. We are shopping, hoping for a bigger Christmas bonus than last year, securing plane tickets, daydreaming about a better next year, and of course, updating our Facebook status about approaching vacation plans. Oh yeah, there's the common thread in all of this: Facebook. If you are like us, you have spent (wasted?) immeasurable amount of time in 2013 on this serious detriment to productivity.
And yet, you still get annoyed by all those lovable toddler pictures, cute cat poses, or selfies from that guy who doesn't seem to own a shirt. Some people need to get a life, or at least stop posting about it all the time. Others have become memes of themselves online. Unlike those insignificant year-end best of lists, we've taken the time to amass a top ten list that matters in our every day lives: 2013's Top Ten Most Annoying Facebook Users -- you know, a useful list for once (or a complete waste of time?).
#10 The Perpetual Mommy. This is the girl whose has replaced her Facebook profile picture with that of her newborn. Has this child consumed the totality of this women's personality? Really? And why does she find it necessary to post fifteen photos of her 3-year-old's first soccer game, all at once? Listen, the kid is cute, but she is doing a number on our news feed with all these look-how-adorable kiddie poses.
#9. The Relentless Promoter This is the guy who promotes a club/party/roller-skate derby non-stop. His sole use of Facebook is for publicity. And dammit if he doesn't clutter your inbox with all those invites to the next "killer" shindig. You've never been to the club he's pedaling, and you have no plans to do so in the near future. Oh and you don't live in Milwaukee either. What gives?
#8. The Fatalistic Jesus Freak. Heaven help us, this Facebooker is on a serious one-dimensional doomsday directive. Even if you do believe in a higher power, this person's constant barrage of "Jesus saves, "the Rapture is coming," and "we are all going to burn," posts annoys the bejesus out of you. Reading just one more verse from Revelations will make you seriously contemplate shaving your head, buying a tambourine and jumping around with the Hare Krishnas at your local airport.
#7. The World Traveler Do these people ever work? In February they were in Argentina, April in Vietnam, and August in Croatia. And now Aspen for the holidays. What are they, all trust fund babies? Their continuous plethora of pictures from the world's most exotic locales--places you'll probably never step foot in -- ignite a deep spiteful feeling inside you. Endless weekend trips to the Keys or countless visits to your parents' time-share in Orlando can't tame this kind of insatiable jealousy.
#6. The Gleeful Just Married Bride Yeah we get it, your husband is oh so wonderful and so very dashing. Lucky you. We let the 300 pictures of your wedding in Mexico slide, but do you really need to post every freaking mundane detail of your blissful wed life, daily? Your new house is nice too, but putting up 150 different takes of it is a bit of an overkill. Like the Perpetual Mommy, the Gleeful Just Married Bride has replaced her personal profile picture, in Bride's case, it's with a "happy couple" pic. She doesn't have her own identity anymore either, it's all about them, her and her handsome beau.
#5. The Typo Twerp Lern to spel you moran.
#4. The Inspirational Life Coach/Vitamin Peddler This one has their head filled with so much Tony Robbins' drivel that they can't shit without first attending a personal growth and development seminar. They tend to inundate feeds with those motivational posters, you know the ones with flowers in the background and with slogans like "There is nothing more beautiful than believing in yourself," or "Be there for others but never leave yourself behind" slathered across it. This sort is also big on multilevel marketing vitamin schemes like MonaVie and fitness programs like PX90. Be leery when they email you, you'll end up signed up to a year's worth of an Acai Berry vitamin drink without even realizing it.
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#3. The "ObamaCare Is to Blame for Everything" Person. If you believe everything that emanates from this user's profile, you'd think ObamaCare is set to incite WWIII. They are infatuated with ObamaCare to the point that they blame it for every other crisis in the USA. "ObamaCare is going run this nation to the ground," is a common post. This person is generally a vocal right-winger, who is still in mourning over the Tea Party's downfall and actively pursuing the real Obama passport.
#2. The Look at My Dinner Abuser. So you have concocted the perfect chicken cacciatore recipe, why do you feel the need to post every single gory detail? Look, we will take your word on it. Oh you are at that new farm-to-table joint, must you post pics of your appetizer, entrée and dessert? One really would have been enough to give us the impression how delish this place is.
#1. The Crossfit Guy. Witnessing this guy's shirtless posts makes you reconsider last year's New Year's resolution about joining that LA Fitness down the street. We warned you about this guy earlier. He never wears a shirt in any one of the thousands of pictures he uploads onto Facebook. Where did shirtless wonder's shirt go? We don't know? Some douchebag clothing vortex somewhere, perhaps. We do know he tends to posts countless pictures of his chiseled-ab-toned-physique with reckless abandon. Twenty pictures from his last Tough Mudder -- a little much, right? It's like he knows you gained five pounds during the last quarter and is rubbing it in. If only he exercised as much reserve over his Facebook posts as he does over his diet, we'd all be happy. He's always with a few hot workout chicks in photos, too. Girls that look much more fit than your wife of five years. Damn this guy! There is considerable overlap between Crossfit Guy and Inspirational Life Coach/Vitamin Peddler too, as they both lean for the vitamins and motivational themes.
-- by Alex Rendon