Tim Tebow to Speak at Gay-Hating Reverend's Church

Former Florida Gator star quarterback and God's favorite football player, Tim Tebow, will be doing that thing where he talks about how Jesus is his homeboy at the First Baptist Dallas Church on April 28.

And that's cool, if you're into that sort of thing.

Problem is, the First Baptist Dallas Church is run by the Rev. Robert Jeffress, who once said that 70 percent of The Gays have AIDS and that America has been brainwashed to accept homosexuality in a simple yet devious three-step brainwashing scheme, much like the Chinese government used to do. (Sweet Tebow, we wish we were making this up. But Tim H. Tebow, we sure ain't.)

As insufferable as the whole Tebow-mania thing has been, particularly when being public about his beliefs (and in no way implementing the very same three-step technique the Chinese people and The Gays use to influence people into believing in talking snakes), Tebow has mostly stayed quiet on polarizing issues.

Tebow has spoken at large congregations many times, and most of the time his message is about being out there with one's faith and helping the poor, which is good.

But now he's entering the muddy waters of a hate-monger who seems to be openly protesting a tad too much about the homosexual "agenda."

Another wacky conspiracy theory Jefffreesss has spewed is that children have been assaulted and harmed more by The Gays than by normal missionary-only straights.

Oh, but the good Reverend's shitwords don't end with homosexuality. He's also called Islam and Mormonism "heresy from the pit of hell," says Obama's reelection is going to open the door for the Antichrist, and the Rev. doesn't care much for Jews.

He once called Mormonism a cult but then realized Mitt Romney was one, so he changed his mind.

But even if it were proven that, say, Marco Rubio was gay, he really wouldn't stop preaching about it.

Mormonism, OK fine, it's weird, but I will allow it. But my anti-gayness will never be silenced! NEVER COMPROMISE!

"It would be the height of hypocrisy to condemn homosexuality and not adultery or unbiblical divorce," he once said. "We cannot pick and choose what parts of God's word we are called to share. God gave it to us not to hurt people but to help people."

Yup. It's about time we did away with people with tattoos and people who eat pork and victims of rape (yes, victims) and those kids who were once disrespectful to their parents. We can't pick and choose, man.

By the way, you can meet Tim Tebow before he swishes off to Dallas to talk to the gayhaters about how gayness is bad and how we need to pray the gay away, much like we pray that God makes us a competent pro quarterback.

Johnny Jesus will be at the Naples Town Hall Distinguished Speaker Series on Saturday, March 9. Suggested donation for chance tickets for the drawing are $25 each. Or you can spend that money on an empty water bottle and get the same exact thing.

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Chris Joseph
Contact: Chris Joseph