Ah, Florida. Whole new year, same ol' dumb criminals.
Sure, we have criminals, just like every other state.
But we have our own special kind of criminal. Namely, dumb ones.
And, because we're never in short supply of dumb criminals, we present to you our latest series of the dumbest Florida criminals of the month.
January was a special kind of dumb for Florida criminals.
So sit back, relax, and enjoy the stupid!
See also: Florida's 12 Dumbest Criminals of 2013
5. The Guys Who Shot Themselves While Cleaning Their Guns
While these two guys didn't technically commit a crime, they still make the cut and should have been arrested for extreme deepness.
Cody Morgan , 26, and Jeffry Hertz Jr., 25, were hanging out at Park Central Apartments in Orlando.
Morgan brought over his .38-caliber Taurus. Hertz brought out his gun-cleaning kit.
Morgan cleaned his gun, while Hertz sat across from him on the couch.
When Morgan finished cleaning his pistol, he handed things over to Hertz, who began to clean his 9mm Ruger pistol.
While that was going down, Morgan began loading his gun with five rounds, a police report said.
That's when Morgan's gun accidentally went off. The bullet went through Morgan's left hand and hit Hertz in the upper right arm.
Hertz Jr. stood up, grabbed his bloody arm, and told Morgan, "We need to go to the hospital," which is actually pretty impressive seeing how most of us in this same situation would react by saying, "AHHH!!! GAHHHHH! OH MY GOD!! AHHHHHHH!!!!!"
The two men took themselves to the hospital, and now both have the worst "I once got shot" story to tell for the rest of their lives.
4. The Lady Who Had Her Little Kid Beat Up a Store Manager While She Shoplifted the Joint
According to police, a Volusia County woman inside a Family Dollar Store apparently took a "50 percent off" sticker and placed it on a toy.
She took the toy and other items to the cash register but was told that the toy was not, in fact, 50 percent off, despite her clever ruse.
The woman then allegedly just kept on walking out of the store with items in her shopping cart, like it was all good. She was stopped and then forced to hand over the cart with the items. She then left the store.
But the woman and her two kids eventually returned to the store. She then began filling shopping bags with things and walked back out without paying.
The assistant manager followed the woman into the parking lot and attempted to write down her license plate number, then called 911 to notify police of the robbery.
Cops say that's when the woman attacked the assistant manager. She punched the assistant manager in the face and then asked her elder child to join in on the fight.
The woman and her kids then hopped into the car and pulled out of the parking space. The assistant manager says the woman then attempted to run her over as she sped off.
3. The Guy That Tore Into A Bag of Cocaine, And Ate The Cocaine... In Front of Cops
According to cops, a Gainesville man, Maurice McQueen, 20, had been sitting in a car at the Kangaroo Express parking lot located on SW 20th Avenue, for several hours, prompting someone to call them.
The responding officers approached the car McQueen was sitting in and noticed he had a hand under the seat. He then moved his hand toward his back.
Police then ordered McQueen to show his hands and unlock the car.
McQueen ignored those orders.
Instead, he whipped out a blue bag of what the report says was cocaine, bit into it, ripped it open with his teeth, and stuffed his face into it like a horse devouring a feedbag.
According to the arrest report, McQueen then pulled out a cup of water and began drinking it, washing down the coke.
So it would appear this was more of an attempt to hide drugs than a situation where he thought cocaine was delicious.
McQueen finally came out of car but pulled a Bieber when he refused to allow police to cuff him. He was eventually taken down to the ground and handcuffed.
2. The Guy Who Called the Cops to Report He Was Being Kidnapped by Other Cops
A West Palm Beach man who was being arrested by Palm Beach County Sheriff Office deputies came up with a foolproof plan to make his escape from the cops.
He decided to dial up 911 and tell the dispatcher he was being kidnapped.
Sean Slocum, 21, was hanging out at the Girafas Sports Grill in the 5000 block of Forest Hill Boulevard on a Saturday afternoon.
Apparently an altercation took place at Girafas, and Slocum was allegedly involved. So he slinked out, probably to avoid trouble.
Deputies from the Palm Beach County Sheriff's Office arrived after someone called to report the ruckus and were told by an employee that Slocum was involved.
The employee told cops that Slocum had left the restaurant and was in his car, across the street from the establishment. When police walked over to investigate, Slocum began walking away from his car, like it was all good.
Police caught up with him and detained him while they tried to piece together what may have happened at Girafas.
But as they held Slocum, he whipped out his phone and put his plan into action. He called 911 and told them he was being kidnapped. A regular Daniel Ocean, this guy.
The police officers told him that they were, in fact, police officers -- in case the uniforms, badges, and patrol car that said "POLICE" on it weren't clear enough -- and notified him he was being detained for his possible involvement at the sports bar.
But Slocum was determined to slink out of their grip and allegedly dialed 911 four times to tell them he was being kidnapped, according to the affidavit.
He did this over a period of ten minutes or so, according to the report. Which means he did this while the cops were literally standing right next to him.
HOWEVER WILL THEY CRACK THIS CASE ONCE I GET AWAY!?
1. The Guy Who Bit His Neighbor's Ear Off for Not Giving Him a Cigarette
A Florida man decided to go all Mike Tyson on his neighbor's ear because he didn't give him a cigarette.
According to Boca police, the victim had a chunk of his ear bitten off after he turned down the man who had asked for a smoke.
A thin piece of cartilage kept the whole ear from being ripped from the man's head.
The victim, John Ott, told police he was helping a friend with something when Alberto Felipe, his neighbor on Jeffrey Street in Boca Raton, asked if he could bum a cigarette.
Ott turned Felipe down.
But Felipe is not a man who takes "No" for answer.
And by that, we mean he'll apparently try to eat anyone who says "No" to him.
Keep New Times Broward-Palm Beach Free... Since we started New Times Broward-Palm Beach, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of South Florida, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering South Florida with no paywalls.