Vice Guide: Players You'll Meet at the Poker Table

Everything that makes South Florida the Vice capital of the country -- the drugs, the sex, the gambling -- is amplified during the week of the Super Bowl. But nothing ruins the perfect party week like someone dying or going to jail. So this week we'll be presenting The Juice Vice Guide to South Florida. We've done the arduous research, taken the dangerous journeys, and interviewed dozens of local experts to bring you the definitive handbook to depravity in the Sunshine State.

After the jump, a few stereotypical players you'll find at the poker table.

Players You'll Meet at Your Poker Table

There's something beautiful about the bond poker players share in South Florida. In a place full of dazzling beaches, fine dining, and nonstop nightlife, these men (and a few women) would rather be in a dark room, sitting around a table of strangers and staring at cards. Make no mistake -- that mutual agreement doesn't preclude anyone from taking all of your money in a single hand. The maximum buy-in everywhere is still $100 (that's going up soon), but chip stacks rise and crumble with veritable ease.

So it helps to know who you'll be seeing at the tables. Here are some players you might run into around South Florida:

Retiree Randy

He's been receiving Social Security for quite some time. He doesn't see his family, but he sees the same degenerates in the card room every day without fail. Randy talks to the dealer so much that it makes everyone at the table feel weird. Don't worry, though -- he'll leave the table when they open the dinner buffet.

The local pro

Generally a male, age 22 to 38. This guy will tell you over and over how much he makes at tables, how many tournaments he wins, how everyone knows him. He'll explain he has a system. He might even refer to himself as a "grinder." He will also blame your lack of skill if you beat him in a hand.

Quiet kid in the corner

This young man will be wearing a hooded sweatshirt, even in the middle of summer in one of the warmest places in the nation. He has an iPod going at all times and dark sunglasses, and he wants you to think he's quietly studying you. He's actually fondly recalling a rather special masturbation session from a few weeks ago and how much cooler he is than the suckers who stayed in college.

Mr. Poker

A cubicle monkey by day (and avid sci-fi fan), Mr. Poker will be dressed from head to toe in poker-themed attire -- from his ace-of-spades ring to his poker shirt to his other poker shirt on top of that to his hat to his customized poker shades. He also might bring his wife with him sometimes, pay for her buy-in, and then criticize her play all night.

Sneaky Shirley

One of the few females at the table, Shirley is sweet and polite. She doesn't seem to mind the guys flirting with her or the lewd joke the first time she said, "All in." She's sly, though. If you call her when she's got all of her chips in the middle, you can kiss your money goodbye.

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Michael J. Mooney